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Monday, July 30, 2007

Necrophilia: A Victimless Crime

(AP) Madison, Wis. Three men who dug up a young woman's corpse to have sex with it after seeing her obituary photo cannot be charged with attempted sexual assault because Wisconsin has no law against necrophilia, an appeals court ruled Thursday.

A judge was correct to dismiss the charges against twin brothers Nicholas and Alexander Grunke and Dustin Radke, all 21, because lawmakers never intended to criminalise sex with a corpse, the District 4 Court of Appeals said in a 3-0 ruling.

From Wcco.com

This is why most people hate the legal system. Because it is so tragically flawed. I'm sure when the first settlers arrived in Wisconsin the last thing on their minds was to establish what the law was regarding non-consensual sex with the mangled remains of motorbike accident victims. No, they were too busy building huts and talking to the natives (who had grown steadily bored since around 9,000 BC when they killed off the last Boaz mastodon and were hanging around and waiting for white folks to turn up to invent the Green Bay Packers so they had something to watch on the weekends). In between then and the copious amount of cheese making that continues until this day, the whole 'necrophilia thing' somehow just got forgotten about. Until now.

(Scene: We are at Red Banks, Wisconsin, circa 1634. Jean Nicollet, explorer, interpreter, armature cook, decides to make a quick speech)

Jean Nicollet: I, Jean Nicollet de Belleborne, humble representative of the Compagnie des Marchands, do 'ereby dec'lare this land to be a part of the glorious French Empire on this fine day. For we shall build a colony here, on the banks of Green Bay, that shall be the envy of the world. This is a brilliant day to be a part of all this: Nouvelle France! Glory to King Louis XIII! Glory to us all! Now, before we start setting up camp and mining for lead sulfide were there any questions? Yup, you at the back.

Phillipe:...er...maybe this can wait.

Jean Nicollet: No, no. We've got time to kill now. It'll be another 129 years before we'll end up giving all this to those stinky English. What's on your mind Phillipe?

Phillipe: I...was just talking to...a couple of the boys about...maybe...if, after we build a townhouse, a few churches and all that...after we...we do all those...um...things first...if we should maybe, maybe, talk about laws regarding what should happen to a bloke if...he decided to exhume a corpse and decided to have his way with it.

Jean Nicollet:....

Phillipe: Sexually, I'm talking about. If he sexually has his way with it.

Jean Nicollet:....

Phillipe: I'm not talking about a really rotten corpse either. Maggot-ridden and all that. Nossir. I'm talking, like this chick has just died y'know? And she's still really pretty. Like, this guy is fairly certain that she still wants to party. In death. Should it be a...crime if a man decides to fill her slowly decomposing body with his semen?

Jean Nicollet:...Phil?

Phillipe: Yes Jean?

Jean Nicollet: How to put this? How...to put this? (he inhales slowly) I'm Jean Fuckin' Nicollet! OK? I've got a splitting headache, I've just opened up Wisconsin officially and you're already hounding me on laws regarding necrophilia? It's always the bloody same with you Phil! Always!

Phillipe: So....we'll just put it on the "Things to do"-pile for now? We'll...we'll work on the laws a little bit later.

Jean Nicollet:...

The thing that gets me about this is the fact that there were three guys involved. Not that I'm an expert in this area, but I'd guess that necrophilia tends to be a solitary activity (not including the corpse). Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer (from Milwaukee, Wisconsin), Ed Gein (also, coincidentally, from Wisconsin) and John Reginald Christie all did their nasty work solo. I think this stems from the sheer awkwardness of broaching the topic to other people. Unless you live in Wisconsin.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Signs That Your Friend May Be A Racist

When he says, 'Let's go hit the slopes this weekend.' And he's not talking about skiing.