fatman Find the clues!

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Censorship is a Dirty Word

The world has slowly been corrupted by humourless people. Politicians, legal professionals, Boards of Directors, generally anyone who owns a yacht, have been chipping away at the very essence of humanity for a long time. In their staunch belief that things work better in a sterile environment they have put a lot of restrictions on how we conduct our day-to-day activities. Which may be fine in a theoretical sense but when you put it into practise...well, its just plain annoying.

I am talking about spam filters.

For reasons too boring to get into here I had been after some speaker equipment and a microphone for a client. I'd asked for a quote from a stereo hire place and was getting peeved off that I hadn't received a reply. Unbeknownst to me they had sent a quote three days previously and I hadn't got it in my inbox because of our company's overenthusiastic spam filters. Searching through the emails that had been herded into cyber-quarantine I saw scores of unreceived resumes alongside the three day old quote. No wonder we didn't have many replies for that ad we placed a fortnight ago.

I mentioned this to my friend Free Beer yesterday and he said, Oh yeah that happened at my old company as well. I said, That must have been a colossal pain-in-the-ass. It sure was, he mentioned gravely, it meant we couldn't conduct business in a productive way.

Say you're dealing with a Thai company (which they were). You send them an email and you never get a reply. You send another email later on the week and it also disappears. It disappears because the effing spam filters will filter anything with the word 'porn' in it. Now, how many Thai folks have names that have the word 'porn' in it?

'Heaps,' says Free Beer, 'It's like "John". A really common name.*'

Now we've got this company that won't accept any emails that comes from Nattaporn, Patsaporn or Porntip because the dumbfuck spam filter thinks its protecting the delicate eyes of 40-year old, ex-army, Financial Directors from donkey shows.

Not only that, but what they realised in Free Beer's old company is that the Australian branch swore a lot. Constantly. In nearly every email. They needed to vent their rage on a daily basis so they can conduct their business productively.

'If you need to call someone a fucking idiot because they were, indeed, a fucking idiot, the company shouldn't restrict you.'
'Hear hear,' I say in consent, 'You yell, you get it out of your system and then you get back to work.'
'That's right. Say we have a guy called "Bert" who is in charge of shipping. One day, because "Bert" is suffering from senile dementia or he's a raging alcoholic who gets smashed on gimlets during lunch breaks or just for the effing sake of it, "Bert" sends a shipment of...I don't know...medical equipment to Outer Mongolia. A whole bunch of colposcopes that costs an average of 3,000 bucks a piece. An office memo will surely surface within seconds of the mistake being discovered asking "Bert" why Mongolian goat herders are using specialist equipment that are usually used in finding cervical cancer as fence posts.'
'With spam filters the office memo will sound like something straight out of Ned Flanders land. "Did you know that funny, friendly old Bert made an oopsy that will cost the company thousands and thousands of dollars? Golly! Wowsers! etc".'
'Exactly. What you want to say is: "Bert, the felching, child molester is set to be fired in the most exciting way possible. We will be hurling his useless ass, screaming, off the top floor of the building. Afterwards we shall feed his remains to savage dogs and set fire to all of his worldly possessions. For the more enthusiastic of you, you are more than welcome to hunt down the rest of his family and destroy them to ensure that no one from his genetic line will walk the planet. All Welcome!".'

Productivity went down by 30% in Free Beer's company (I think he's talking horseshit here, but its his story so I'll bite my tongue on this one) until someone found an interesting loophole in the spam filter.

'The Grizzled Old Prospector method,' he tells me triumphantly.
'Whu...?' I ask, because I'm only half-listening.
'Someone discovered that the spam filter wouldn't recognise foul language from the 1880s. So everyone started to email each other like a grizzled old prospector.'

Soon, Free Beer and his colleagues were sending messages to each other that were along the lines of "Did you know what that varmint Mattherson did to my milk?"
"I hear that blasphemous heathen drank the rest of it and didn't replace it."
"Dangnammit! I'll find that treacherous cur and invite him to a duel in the car park. That blackhearted vulture will see what happens when he crosses me!"

'It was for a while,' agreed Free Beer, 'but then eventually someone from IT decided that it might just be easier to allow the Australians to swear normally and everyone went back to cussing at each other and downloading pictures from Cats That Look Like Hitler.com.'

*Probably more like "Elizabeth" since it's a female name. Which goes to show that you shouldn't ask Free Beer for information ever.


Blogger Gorilla Bananas said...

You need to start using gorilla swear words. Roggah, Hoggah, and Poggah are just three of the 100 words we have for 'Cuntface'.

9:08 pm  
Blogger Yawn said...

I hear your local Powers That Be are banning booze among the pesky resident darkies. I only can imagine what would happen if Bushco said, "OK, no more alcohol on Indian reservations."

People would be buying vanilla extract and cough syrup in 40s. Liver and kidney diseases would skyrocket. Effectively, the local indigenous populations would rely even further on the welfare state as they are driven into incomprehensible debt.

Wait a minute- that's not a bad idea....inadvertently creating a slave class using legislation. Never seen anything like that happen (wink, wink negroes, Mexicans, and prisoners)!

I love what the coloreds are saying in the U.S. about immigration- they're the biggest proponents of making presence a felony cuz, in their own words, "We've been waiting a long time- we're next in line!" for assimilation, both economic and otherwise.

6:27 am  
Blogger Captain Smack said...

Dear Fatman,

Thank you for posting this. Now I understand why nobody ever responds to my emails. I thought it was that nobody liked me. I feel much better now.

Dick Viagraporn

2:04 am  
Blogger Old Knudsen said...

I found yer blog very entertaining click onto my blog and I can tell you how to go from zero to hero in the bedroom.

I can't really, you're doomed.

12:39 pm  
Blogger Fatman said...

GB- I think I've inadvertently said a few of these words in the past when I've hit my thumb with a hammer . If I were ever to go to the Congo I'd best avoid carpentery.

Yawn- Booze AND pornography, Yawn, booze and porn. Our Government has decided to combat child abuse in the Aboriginal Communitites by taking away these things. Is this a good solution? To me it seems to be a temporary fix, and not necessarily an effective one. If one really wants booze (such as folks serving maximum life sentences in our prison systems) one can ferment toenails and metho to create some form of crude wine. We really need to be tackling what lies at the heart of the Aboriginal Communities. Whatever that is.

Dick Viagraporn (a.k.a. Captain Smack)- ..er.. OBVIOUSLY that's what happened. Because you are a...um...fascinating individua. Really! That would be the ONLY reason people don't respond to your emails. The spam filters. Yeah. That's good. Very plausible.

Old Knudsen- Oh, I gave up being a bedroom legend years ago. When did you give up?

10:11 am  
Blogger Yawn said...

Fatman, the US government has always dealt with such social ills dressed in white sheets and brandishing nooses and burning crosses. What? "That's the KKK, not the gubment," you say? Who the fuck do you think IS the gubment?

Yes, a massive campaign of state-sanctioned terrorism put our negroes in line, and it can do the same for yours. Fight sodomy and child molestation with good old fashioned terrorism, and then you don't look like a bunch of discriminatory jackasses. We all know that discrimination is both inhuman and old fashioned.

OK now I gotta let the xanax and peppermint schnapps take effect before finding myself in the streets or worse...

3:34 pm  
Blogger Fatman said...

Yawn- The problem with your gubment is that they are God-fearing rednecks who are playing the PC game. Badly. Because they are lead by a simpleton who has the I.Q. level of a hockey puck.

The problem with our gubment is that they are sycophantic wimps who are living in the 50's. They don't have the balls to make brave decisions. Because they do not drink. Or worse, won't admit to it. Like I said, cowards and fools.

Off-topic: I recently read Freakonomics by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner. I was attracted by the blurb which asked the age-old question, 'How Is the Ku Klux Klan Like a Group of Real-Estate Agents?'(The answer, obviously, is:'Neither group want black people living in the same neighbourhood.'). Anyway, it made me think of you.

11:49 am  

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