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Saturday, May 26, 2007

The Greatest Comeback Since Lazarus Rose From The Dead

The envelope please.

...and the award goes to my friend Grumpy Matt for his comeback to Annoying Lady in this scenario;

(The Blue Bar, Prahan. Matt is making a martini at the bequest of Annoying Lady)

Annoying Lady: Excuse me young man. That is not the way to make a martini. I want you to shake the thing, not stir it.

Matt: It's a gin martini. If I shake it...

Annoying Lady: It's MY martini. It's supposed to be shaken. Don't you know anything?

Matt: (with surprising calm) Lady, do I go to YOUR truck stop and tell YOU how to suck cock? Then, shut the f-ck up.

Annoying Lady: (silence)

Annoying Lady: (silence)

Annoying Lady: (silence)

Matt: Now, would you care for some olives or would you like a twist of lemon instead?


Blogger Gorilla Bananas said...

Annoying lady: I'm always open to suggestions from regular customers.

Hmmm. That doesn't quite work, does it?

2:40 am  
Blogger mutleythedog said...

Annoying Lady
Why the Hell not-you look like an expert?

7:11 am  
Blogger Obi Won Kenardly said...

Amazing!! I laughed for ages. I bet she is a regular customer of his now.. Treat em mean and keep em keen and all...
Tactless profesionalism has a new champion for justice! MATT!!

9:29 am  
Blogger Fatman said...

I tend to have a hard time coming up with anything cool at the best of times. Usually it takes me about 18 months of solid work before I can come up with a sufficiently witty retort (i.e.'Says you!'). I like GB's response because it suggests that Matt frequents prostitutes (though this is a kamikaze/suicide bomber maneuver from Annoying Lady who has revealed that she is a Lady of the Night). I also like Mutley's response because she has turned the tables on Matt suggesting that he is someone who enjoys the taste of semen-a licker of the penis lollypop.

Obi- Hi. It's been ages. Hope Poland has been kind to you. Let's not give Matt too much praise. He loves it too much.

11:35 am  
Blogger SassyAssy said...

This is an awesome comeback. Love it...I will have to retool it for use in my office....

Well, if you get your act together enough to head to the states, let me know we will have a grand time!

12:07 am  
Blogger writerwoman said...

OH SNAP! Well that probably shut her up quick.

1:55 am  
Blogger Fatman said...

Sassyassy- The only other comeback that I've ever seen that had the same effect was in a (severely underrated )film called Way of the Gun. It was written/directed by one Christopher Macquarrie who was the script guy who wrote The Usual Suspects.

The scene, the opening scene of the entire film, is when Ryan Phillipe (Parker) and Benicio Del Toro (Longbaugh)are sitting on the hood of someone's car and the car alarm is going nuts. They are oblivious to it.

Bar Patron: (After trying to get Parker and Longbaugh's attention for some time) Hey, hey. Yeah you, get up. What are you retarded? Get off the fucking car!

Raving Bitch: Hey dickless, get off the fucking car! Hey fucksuck, get your slippery fucking ass off the car! Listen to me, get off the fucking car with your fucking ass!

Parker: Shut that c-nt's mouth or I'll come over there and fuckstart her head!

(Stunned silence for several seconds)

It's a wonderful scene.

Writerwoman- It did. It really did. It was like she had suddenly been smacked in the back of the head with a shovel it was that cool.

1:24 pm  
Blogger suzanabrams said...

Hey Fatman,

Heading your way shortly. Am I likely to spot a super-bulging belly say roundabout...David Jones, Victoria Market or the like?

7:19 pm  
Blogger Yawn said...

A stroke of penius, that one.

10:36 pm  
Blogger Fatman said...

Suzanabrams- Fatman goes to the Victoria Market from time to time where he haggles with stall holders over tubs of mayonnaise and buys fish heads by the kilo. Drop us a line if you make it to Melbourne and we can insult shoppers together.

Yawn- It's always about stroking peniuses with you isn't it?

12:58 pm  

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