Boo me off Open Mic Night will They?

I wrote this first draft speech idea for Matt. I'd been staring at a blank computer screen for about two days while I was writing the previous entry: "Rendered Speechless" and was getting frustrated that nothing seemed to be forthcoming. So I sent this five-minute e-mail and promptly forgot about it. Matt seemed to think it'd be the exact sort of thing he would say at the wedding and showed it to some of his employees at his bar ('monkeys' in Matt's parlance) who agreed with him. Enter Clark. Clark hears that I wrote a 'speech' for Matt after a vague reference and wants to see it. I said it's nothing worth worrying about. Clark said I don't care just send me the effing thing anyway. Despite my protests that the 'speech' is pretty underwhelming I sent it to Clark and thought while I'm at it I'll post the sucker on my blog thing:

Matt,
Here's a basic speech idea- it's still in it's
embryonic stage so feel free to tweak away:

Da Speech for Clark and Hayley's Wedding as read by Matt Sanger (First Draft)

(Stagger up to the microphone and swipe it out of the
compare's hands. Glare at him. Stare at audience for
about eight minutes till all joviality is gone from
the room.) Right, right, right. Wedding. I'm atta
wedding. (Fumble about for cue cards. Drop some on the
floor.) Bah! It's all crap anyway..... When Clark ask
me to be BEST MAN because none of you other FUCKERS
could write a....a.....a.....goddamn speech I wuz
thrilled. (Sip beer) For about a day. Then this mother
fucker...excuse me, excuse me....I didn't mean
to....anyway....this fucking CUNT ups and retracts his
fucking BEST MAN shit because his ball-less fucking
friends cried on his fucking shoulders.
Wha....(Audience booing. Get Off! Clark: I think
you've had enough mate.)Yeah? If youse-a so much
better why don't you fucking come up here and fucking
say a better speech! I'm better than all of you
fucks!(dodges a flung beer bottle ) Is that the best
you can do.... Mum? Fuck you all! I'm signing off!
(collapses on ground.)

I realise it needs a bit of work but I think we have a
solid foundation.

Fatman