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Monday, January 15, 2007

Demise of the Fluffer

Long before Internet porn it was almost customary for every household to have a cardboard box brimming with dirty magazines hidden in the basement or the tool shed. The patriarch of the family would know that one day the eldest male would find this stash of pornography, much like a pig finds truffles, and that for the next few years the only way anyone else in the family could have access to the bathroom would be by breaking down the door with an axe. The joy of knowing that your firstborn will undoubtedly be tugging at their member over glossy images of 16-year old runaways dressed as nurses, flight attendants, librarians, etc. is something I can only imagine.

Last night, during a friendly poker session, we had the unique opportunity to ask all kinds of questions of the porn industry to someone in the trade- Tom, the ex-editor of Penthouse magazine. He had met up with one of the poker crew during the "Casino Royale" issue of Penthouse and had asked if he could come along to one of our games. My croupier friends and I took turns asking him all kinds of questions in between hands.

J.J.Botts asks a four-letter question almost immediately. "DVDA (Double vaginal, double anal)."
"Can't be done," replies Tom. "Sure, the woman's orifices can certainly take that many penises at the one time but the fact is it's physically impossible to make it happen. It would all get in the way. Very messy."
We nod, scribble notes.
"I have a question regarding fluffers." says Dean.
"Fluffers are history now."
"Really?"
"We live in a changing world. No longer do porn stars have to resort to ground-up rhinoceros horns and fluffers to get an erection, they just inject themselves with liquid Viagra."
"Fascinating."

Behind locked bathroom doors, with the pages of these dirty magazines spread open to a series of pictures where Little Red Riding Hood is getting penetrated by a wolf, too few of us stop mid-ejaculation to think of the demise of fluffers who were so integral in the making of fine pornography in the years gone by. So, wherever you are guys, this post is for you.

12 Comments:

Blogger Gaijin Girl said...

nice one, fatty. bout bloody time.

not quite what i expected, but good to have you back. i'll remember the fluffers as i get down on my knees tonight to say my prayers.

4:40 pm  
Blogger Gaijin Girl said...

nice one, fatty. bout bloody time.

not quite what i expected, but good to have you back. i'll remember the fluffers as i get down on my knees tonight to say my prayers.

4:41 pm  
Blogger Gaijin Girl said...

i felt that was worth saying twice.

bloody blogger.

7:25 pm  
Anonymous broadzillaissqueamish said...

Wait, so male porn stars prefer injections to fluffers these days?

I'd better tell my mom.

Good to have you back, big guy.

7:48 pm  
Blogger Gorilla Bananas said...

Did you call the fluffers "guys"? I hope that's just another word for "Sheilas" where you live. I would have asked him if he'd ever faked an orgasm.

9:22 am  
Anonymous Hamish said...

I'd like to think immigrants are to blame.

You bring up an interesting point; we are the last generation to have to go through any sort of lengths to fill our spank banks. These kids today with their "internet" know nothing of struggle. Of course, our predecessors would probably say the same, all huddled around a picture of a tit carved onto a piece of wood.

4:17 am  
Blogger Fatman said...

Gaijin Girl- Well, I never expected to be graced by the presence of the ex-editor of Penthouse during a Sunday poker game so I thought I'd write it all down before I forgot about it.

Gaijin Girl- Well, I never expected to be graced by the presence of the ex-editor of Penthouse during a Sunday poker game so I thought I'd write it all down before I forgot about it.

Gaijin Girl- It seems to be contagious.

Broadzilla- Why Mrs. Broadzilla would want to know about liquid Viagra getting injected into the penises of porn stars I'd rather not ask. Personally, when I film sex scenes with naked co-eds I enjoy having a fluffer "awaken my Johnson" , but after a...mishap that took out a fluffer's eye I think I'll resort to the liquid Viagra. At least for now.

Gorilla Bananas- According to Wikipedia they even use she-males. Brrr.

Hamish- Which is why back in Ye Olde days of porn gentlemen would ask each other if they 'Got Wood?'.

11:46 am  
Anonymous Kittie said...

Hon, I hope your mother doesnt read your blog.

12:29 pm  
Blogger SassyAssy said...

Well Fatman, I am glad to read that life has turned around for you. Such scintillating stories you tell. Thanks for the history lesson about the porn box...I was clueless I tell you!

12:35 pm  
Blogger Yawn said...

What an ugly shame. The book of Revelation predicts this right in between something about a many-headed beast and something about a woman with a filthy mind. Look it up.

1:19 pm  
Blogger J J Botts said...

I seem to recall that dvda was possible if the guy was a midget and hung like a donkey!!!

3:05 pm  
Blogger Fatman said...

J.J. Botts- I seem to recall conversation turned to midget sex on more than one occasion that evening.

3:19 pm  

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