fatman Find the clues!

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Life Lessons

Though I can usually rely on my friend Griff to send me emails of the finest quality: jokes involving retarded people, jpegs of two co-eds pleasuring a black guy, the transcript of a court case where a man admits to having sexual relationships with hamsters (funny, funny stuff. Especially when the mother starts wailing and has to be escorted out of the room and has to be force-fed sedatives)
he will sometimes send me these sweet and fluffy little messages that make you want to retch because of how sweet it is. A fine example being this one, about putting things in perspective;


"When 24 hours in a day are not enough; remember
THE MAYONNAISE JAR AND 2 GLASSES OF WINE:

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in
front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very
large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf
balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the
jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas
between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was
full.
They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if
the
jar was full.
The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two glasses of wine from under the table
and
poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty
space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to
recognise that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things - faith, family, children,
health, friends, and favourite passions -- things that if everything
else
was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, house, and
car.

The sand is everything else -- the small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no
room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you
spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have
room for the things that are important to you.

So.........Pay attention to the things that are critical to your
happiness.

Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your
partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to
clean the house and fix the disposal. "Take care of the golf balls
first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities.
The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and enquired what the wine
represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to
show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always
room
for a couple of glasses of wine with a friend."


OK. All well and good. But I think I'd have ended the story with the professor pouring more things into the
mayonnaise jar. Like this...

"The professor then pulled out his hip flask full of gin and started poring the contents into the jar. The students began looking at each other with slight concern. "See, and you can have some gin in there as well. Because everyone likes a bit of gin don't they? And..and...and sometimes wine just isn't enough." As the bell rang the students got up to leave, convinced that the lesson was over. But the professor was determined to try to place more things into the jar, he was suddenly gripped by a ferocity. He was on a mission. He was a zealot, a madman.
As the professor brought out some beers from behind the lectern and started dousing the jar, obviously over-filled, with more and more alcohol. It was then that some students, those closest to him, could see how red his face was, how bulging his eyes. "And it can't stop. Not there. NOT EVER. Because it NEVER STOPS!"-he was yelling now, oblivious to the fear that seemed to be filling the room like a low rumble, the beginnings of a storm. "It NEVER STOPS!"
"Professor maybe you should-"
"I should WHAT motherfucker?" he roared. "What the fuck would you FREAKS know? HUH? WHAT? What would you fuckers know about anything!?!"
Several of the more burly students, linebackers for the Varsity team, slowly inched towards the professor to calm him down. But there was no calming to be done. He pulled out a handgun and shot into the ceiling as if it was the most casual thing in the world. Like it was swatting a fly or parting his hair. The professor then screamed obscenities as he tried to pour more and more things into the jar. Rum, brandy, Jagermeister, heroin. The jar eventually toppled over the table, scattering its contents-golf balls, pebbles, sand and alcohol-all over the floor. Several of the students started crying, confused and hurt at the rage of their teacher, their mentor. The professor then lay on the ground in foetal position mumbling "It's over. It's all over. It's over." as if his chanting alone would keep his darkness at bay."

11 Comments:

Blogger Gorilla Bananas said...

Your professor is based on the psycho in the first 'Dirty Harry' picture. That guy also threatened children (and called a Volkswagen a bastard too!). You should add a scene where he gets tortured by a security man standing on his arm.

6:30 pm  
Anonymous Hamish from hamishblog.com said...

Way awesome ending, I wish I got forwards like that. I was kind of hoping he'd f the jar.

Who are these idiot students who said the jar was full after he put the pebbles in? Could they not see where he was going with that? What kind of philosophy course is this? Was their course textbook Tuesdays with Morrie? So many questions.

1:55 am  
Blogger Fatman said...

GB- See, this is what I'm talking about. Some people think guys like you and I take things too far. I say we don't take it far enough. Given the time constraints (and budget cuts) I opted to leave out the 8-hour torture scene. However, it will be an "extra" in the Director's Cut of this post.

Hamish- Philosophy for Dipshits 101 I believe. Hey, this is completely off topic but I saw an episode of The Simpsons last night that reminded me of you. It was the episode where Bart learns that Principal Skinner in allergic to peanuts and Marge learns carpentery. Anyway, there's a whole lot of commotion and Homer has a near-death injury and his last words he croaked before he passed out was, 'Avenge Me.' Now, I seemed to recall you wanted them to be your last words. Someone on the Simpsons writing team may be a fan of yours. A plaigarizing fan.

5:30 am  
Anonymous Hamish said...

Those joke-stealing bastards, they might as well rename their show "The Family Guy."

It was a recent episode, I hope. Otherwise it'd end up being like the time I was convinced I invented the phrase "freaky-deaky."

P.S. Sorry about the shameless promotion, I'm trying to figure out a way to screw blogger beta.

9:03 pm  
Blogger SassyAssy said...

I like your version so much better...I think that is my next professor you wrote about if the rumors I have been hearing are true.

7:19 am  
Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

No way! I don't buy it. Life's far more like a squeezy ketchup bottle

4:31 pm  
Blogger SassyAssy said...

I just want to give you a heads up (since you have not visited me in a while) that the dating horror stories have resumed! Oh the joy!

6:51 am  
Blogger Yawn said...

Hamish said something about Blogger Beta. I HATE the new Blogger bullshit with Google and all. I don't trust it one bit, but I've got years of my life invested in this shit so I gotta change with the rules of the game lest I lose everything. Unfortunately I was dumb enough to use my real identity long ago for my Google account, and now I feel like my Internet anonymity has been compromised with Blogger forcing me to use it to log on.

Anyway, I wanted to ejaculate a quick splatter of praise for the Fatman's alternative ending here. These sappy shits need a good dose of "fuck you, this is how things are" added to them and forwarded to those who actually read this shit. Gracias a dios my very-religious grandma never sends me crap like that- it's always the younger folks. One day I will do a study of this type of garbage- who sends diarrhea to their friends and family? And I will find that they are very screwed up people. But some company will pay me $20K to do the fucking research. Cheers Fatman, charmed as always.

6:36 pm  
Blogger Fatman said...

Hamish- I actually do like Family Guy. It's a show with a talking dog and who doesn't think that's funny?

Sassyassy- Yep. He's the same guy. He also teaches Keynesian Economics during the summer. Last semester, three students died.

Sam, problem child-bride- A ketchup bottle of pain.

Sassyassy- I'm slack. And I'm getting evicted so most of my time on the internet is spent trying to find a place to live.

Yawn- Always a pleasure to hear you ejaculating my praise.

2:53 pm  
Blogger SassyAssy said...

Hey Fatman, when it rains it pours where you are concerned! Thanks for the visit and the comments. Frankly, I have stopped laughing over the drive thru divorce comment. What a scream you are! Good luck on the eviction/searching for new digs!

3:36 pm  
Blogger SassyAssy said...

Have you found a home yet???? I need a good dose of cynical sarcastic observations.

1:27 pm  

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