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Friday, January 26, 2007

Objects Thrown at the Head of Yours Truly

Kittie goes through a drawer, finds several lighters, feels their weight individually then throws the orange one at my head. She's in a throwing mood today.
'Is this about the washing?' I ask.
She doesn't respond.
'This is because I forgot to bring in your washing for two days right?'
She responds by hurling the house keys at me.
'I already said I was sorry.'
She paces the room to find something heavier to throw at me.
'C'mon Kittie. I bought you a card to say I was sorry.'

I had. I'd bought her a card that had a woman drawn in the style of a 50's dime novel cover on it with the words "How can I miss him when he won't go away?" printed on it and scribbled a few words of apology for the washing-thing on the inside thinking she might find it vaguely amusing. She had not. The tattered remains of the card lay somewhere in the bin.

'Do you even know what this is about?' she finally says.
'It's not about the washing?' I ask feebly.
'It's not about the...well..no it's about the washing as well. That was just careless. How did you...why did you forget for....I asked you for ONE simple thing and you....'
I had been drunk for two days.
'I'm sorry.'
'This is about Jesse.'
'Jesse? Cousin Jesse?'
'YES! JESSE! What exactly did you say to him?'

We had gone out for a few drinks earlier this week with my cousin and she had a long and exciting conversation with him about snow boarding. Later, when she and I had returned to our house she said that she thought that he was cute and wanted his number. I said no. Yelling ensured. Fine, I said, have his damn number! And didn't think much of it until the next day when she asked him out for some drinks.

Did she really think he was cute? He's shorter than me for starters. And he's got a chin like Bruce Campbell's. He has Bruce Campbell chin. And he smells funny. An object of ridicule. He and I have a Conversation at the Great Britain, over a couple of games of Galaga (I win both times. Kick his ass. Really shame him in fact)

'Well, what's the deal between you and Kittie my brother? If you want me to back off I will.'
'Pffft. She's so history its not funny.'
'That's not to say we didn't have a deep and passionate relationship.'
'Now, you're my cousin and I love you (we are not related at all in fact but since I lived with his cousins in a share accommodation for a few years I'd gotten into the habit of calling him my cousin)...'
'...and I'm totally over her. So you can go ahead and do whatever the hell you want with her.'
'Which is not to say that it wouldn't be sooooo totally wrong and evil and not a decent thing to do to me, your distant relative, to even think about asking her out.'
'Now, you see what I'm saying here?'
'Actually I have no idea wh...'
'Good. Good. I'm glad we talked. Watch out for that incoming alien ship!'

...and so he had decided to not return her calls for fear that I would cut him to bits with an axe and feed his remains to carnivores. Kittie was not happy with that outcome. Not happy one bit.

'You know we've broken up right? That we are never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever going to go out together ever again? Your slow mind can comprehend this, yes?'
'Like I'd want to go out with you again either.'
'Then stop ruining my life. And don't forget the friggin' washing!'


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