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Thursday, March 15, 2007

Punch Buggy Variation

Kids are great at finding ways of alleviating boredom. Back when we were young we'd derive a great amount of enjoyment by licking 9 volt batteries for that electric shock to dance on our tongues and spend hours tormenting kids who stuttered just so we'd feel better about ourselves. What little tyrants we were! It was one way of coping with our own learning difficulties since we had the moral integrity of the Kray brothers. Although we've grown older and have stopped doing some of these childish things (setting fire to cats, etc) one habit still remain to this day. And that is Punch Buggy.

There is something so pure about a game so simple. You see a Volkswagen Beetle, you hit someone. Brilliant. Long car journeys could be the road map to pain if you weren't concentrating. And you'd find yourself involuntarily flinching when you went down streets that you knew were 'bug heavy'.

Currently my arms are a purplish colour due to the popularity of said vehicle and childish nature of my friends who persist on playing this game no matter what the situation ('...and I've just heard that my aunt has been diagnosed with Cervical...,' WHACK! 'Dude! What the fuck?'
'Punch Buggy White! No Returns.'
'Fucker! I was just telling you about my..oh, there's another one! Punch Buggy Green! No Returns!' WHACK!)

And it gets into your system. You get so used to hitting your friends on the shoulder that you find yourself on the verge of hitting absolute strangers on public transport when you see a Volkswagen Beetle. I'm thinking more and more that I should listen to this instinct. Random Punch Buggy. It'll be the next step in the Punch Buggy evolution because even you don't know who you are going to hit. Will it be an 89-year old woman? Will it be a sick child? Maybe even a kick boxing champion or a wanted criminal.


Blogger Gorilla Bananas said...

It's the kind of thing I do to baboons. My excuse for doing it is that I've just seen a baboon. Fatman, you take too much crap from people who are clearly your intellectual inferiors.

4:58 am  
Blogger Fatman said...

I have intellectual inferiors?

2:45 pm  
Blogger Jasper Goodballoon said...

I still sometimes do it to people who I perceive as being inferior to me. Like women. I don't have the energy to do it all the time but if I'm in the mood I'll slap a child just for being there.

10:07 pm  
Blogger SassyAssy said...

Random punch buggy could be a lot of fun...maybe this will take off...a craze across the nations. Sadly, I cannot come up with the wit you display in your comments on my blog. You are just so damn funny!

1:18 am  
Blogger Fatman said...

Jasper- Hitting children is a victimless crime. And fun too!

Sassyassy- I aim for witty. And when I fail (sadly and often) I just use a liberal dose of profanity and hope nobody notices that I'm just talking plain gibberish.

6:34 am  
Blogger Yawn said...

How sinful you Australians are. What's one to expect from a penal colony-turned nation state? Murderers fucking prostitutes and producing devil hellspawn heathens over the course of 1, 2 hundred years.

I'm not referring to the crime, I'm referring to the violent garbage you call Punch Buggy. Everybody knows its real name is "Slug Bug." At least that's what the "civilized world" calls it.

9:08 am  
Blogger Fatman said...

Civillized? Aren't you from Texas? Look, Yawn, call the game what you will. It doesn't even have to be that type of motor vehicle. You can punch people any time you see a Buick or a penny-farthing for all I care. Its just harmless fun. Except for those that get harmed.

Fatman's Chuck Norris Fact for today: Any time Chuck Norris sees a Volkswagen Beetle he roundhouse kicks someone in the head.

6:01 pm  
Anonymous theyawnblog said...

Yes, about that Texas thing. That's why I put the "civilized world" in quotes. However, I am a strong believer in the Texas death penalty. Yes, the same one criticized by other nation states as "inhumane." Sure it's hypocrisy in action. Those who place bombs in abortion clinics and murder and maim women, doctors, nurses, and $5 an hour secretaries generally support the death penalty too because they cherish the sacredness of life.

Most importantly, the death penalty in Texas may take 10 years per person before it actually happens, but death row inmates have a much longer lifespan than prisoners incarcerated for petty crimes in other countries. If I piss in the street at 3am in Mexico and the police catch me, I will go to jail until they decide to transfer me to a prison for "delinquent public acts." In the meantime I will receive no food or water and will probably die of dehydration or starvation while awaiting transfer. Mexico can criticize Texas all it wants to for its "inhumane death penalty" but until Mexico starts providing things like food and water to prisoners, I can't really take them seriously.

And I doubt that Mexico is the only country out there that willfully and slowly murders inmates who can't afford to pay off the authorities by depriving them of food and water. Most of the "civilized countries" who chide the death penalty in Texas are murdering people in far worse and slower ways than a needle full of lethal injection. If you have no money or family, peeing in the street at 3am is punished with an unofficial death sentence.

6:09 pm  
Blogger Fatman said...

I'm more worried about The Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission (TABC). According to The Modern Drunkard Magazine The TABC has formed its very own Department of Pre-Crime, "...except without a hot-tub full of psychics and Tom Cruise." Undercover TABC operatives infiltrating drinking establishments and spying on the clientele? People identified as drunk being turned over to uniformed agents waiting outside and arrested for public intoxication? What the hell?

Being thrown in the slammer for urniating in Mexico seems a bit harsh. Being shot for going over the speed limit or carrying some pot also seems ludicrous. But they enforce these laws in some countries.

Your country has some dumb laws though Yawn.

In Alabama it is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. Or wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church. Did you know that in California it is illegal to eat an orange in your bath tub? And a special law in Florida prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sundays? And God forbid if you are "discernibly turgent" in Indiana.

If I ever do end up in death row in Texas I can only pray that my younger, smarter brother will turn up with an escape plan tattooed on his body.

11:24 am  

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