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Monday, July 30, 2007

Necrophilia: A Victimless Crime

(AP) Madison, Wis. Three men who dug up a young woman's corpse to have sex with it after seeing her obituary photo cannot be charged with attempted sexual assault because Wisconsin has no law against necrophilia, an appeals court ruled Thursday.

A judge was correct to dismiss the charges against twin brothers Nicholas and Alexander Grunke and Dustin Radke, all 21, because lawmakers never intended to criminalise sex with a corpse, the District 4 Court of Appeals said in a 3-0 ruling.

From Wcco.com

This is why most people hate the legal system. Because it is so tragically flawed. I'm sure when the first settlers arrived in Wisconsin the last thing on their minds was to establish what the law was regarding non-consensual sex with the mangled remains of motorbike accident victims. No, they were too busy building huts and talking to the natives (who had grown steadily bored since around 9,000 BC when they killed off the last Boaz mastodon and were hanging around and waiting for white folks to turn up to invent the Green Bay Packers so they had something to watch on the weekends). In between then and the copious amount of cheese making that continues until this day, the whole 'necrophilia thing' somehow just got forgotten about. Until now.

(Scene: We are at Red Banks, Wisconsin, circa 1634. Jean Nicollet, explorer, interpreter, armature cook, decides to make a quick speech)

Jean Nicollet: I, Jean Nicollet de Belleborne, humble representative of the Compagnie des Marchands, do 'ereby dec'lare this land to be a part of the glorious French Empire on this fine day. For we shall build a colony here, on the banks of Green Bay, that shall be the envy of the world. This is a brilliant day to be a part of all this: Nouvelle France! Glory to King Louis XIII! Glory to us all! Now, before we start setting up camp and mining for lead sulfide were there any questions? Yup, you at the back.

Phillipe:...er...maybe this can wait.

Jean Nicollet: No, no. We've got time to kill now. It'll be another 129 years before we'll end up giving all this to those stinky English. What's on your mind Phillipe?

Phillipe: I...was just talking to...a couple of the boys about...maybe...if, after we build a townhouse, a few churches and all that...after we...we do all those...um...things first...if we should maybe, maybe, talk about laws regarding what should happen to a bloke if...he decided to exhume a corpse and decided to have his way with it.

Jean Nicollet:....

Phillipe: Sexually, I'm talking about. If he sexually has his way with it.

Jean Nicollet:....

Phillipe: I'm not talking about a really rotten corpse either. Maggot-ridden and all that. Nossir. I'm talking, like this chick has just died y'know? And she's still really pretty. Like, this guy is fairly certain that she still wants to party. In death. Should it be a...crime if a man decides to fill her slowly decomposing body with his semen?

Jean Nicollet:...Phil?

Phillipe: Yes Jean?

Jean Nicollet: How to put this? How...to put this? (he inhales slowly) I'm Jean Fuckin' Nicollet! OK? I've got a splitting headache, I've just opened up Wisconsin officially and you're already hounding me on laws regarding necrophilia? It's always the bloody same with you Phil! Always!

Phillipe: So....we'll just put it on the "Things to do"-pile for now? We'll...we'll work on the laws a little bit later.

Jean Nicollet:...

The thing that gets me about this is the fact that there were three guys involved. Not that I'm an expert in this area, but I'd guess that necrophilia tends to be a solitary activity (not including the corpse). Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Dahmer (from Milwaukee, Wisconsin), Ed Gein (also, coincidentally, from Wisconsin) and John Reginald Christie all did their nasty work solo. I think this stems from the sheer awkwardness of broaching the topic to other people. Unless you live in Wisconsin.


Blogger Gorilla Bananas said...

She must have looked good in that photo. The men were following the famous "Digger Mortis" principle that it's better to fuck a dead babe than a live dog. I hope the local posse come down on them as hard as they did on the dead woman. Necrophilia is the type of offence that leads to more serious crimes.

4:13 pm  
Blogger Yawn said...

I just pissed myself. OF COURSE it's a gateway crime, Gorilla Bananas. One day you're fucking a corpse and the next you're robbing a liquor store.

Wisconsin law probably sucks, but I gotta say Oz has some wacko courts. What kind of judge would let a psychotic woman get off on stabbing her boyfriend- here that's a felony assault. Regardlesss the circumstances, the woman's a loon and needs to be locked up and have the kid taken away from her.

Oh yeah- Fatman- this one of your friends?


9:30 am  
Anonymous kyknoord said...

What worries me is that these were just the guys who got caught. What about all the other Wisconsin necrophiliacs who are a bit more discrete? Kind of makes a strong case for cremation.

4:24 pm  
Blogger Fatman said...

GB- It's the sort of question that ends up on psychological questionnaires for people who want to join the army.

Question 18: There are two beds in front of you. On one bed lies Jessica Alba. She looks like she has fallen asleep but on closer inspection you feel that she no longer has a pulse. Yet, she still feels warm, alive. On the other bed is Rosie O'Donnell who is smearing herself with "Chocolate & Sambucca" body sauce. A gun is pointed at you and you are forced to choose which bed to jump in to. What do you do?

a) Jump into bed with Jessica Alba and hope God isn't watching.

b) Jump into bed with Jessica Alba and hope someone is taping this and you can edit in realistic moans so she still seems alive.

c) Ask to be shot.

Yawn- Your story of a man who was possessed with a demonic fury to keep masturbating despite being stabbed touched me deeply. Here is a man who was not a quitter. Still, he could have picked a better place to jack off (i.e. the back seat of a cab)

Kyknoord- The trick is: don't die. That'll screw with the necrophiliacs.

5:41 pm  
Blogger Mermaid of Moorgate said...

I'm sure there have been times when men have been pretty dead in bed too. but when it comes to necrophilia, I am reminded of that awful joke between two prisoners:

"What are you in for"
"You have sex with dead people"
"I used to, until some rotten twat went and split on me."

7:31 pm  
Anonymous Broadzilla said...

Hey, I remember reading about this when they were first arrested.

Let's hope the courts don't follow the example of a group of Sudanese village elders who recently forced a man to marry the goat he was caught having sex with - in the hopes that the resultant public humiliation would cure him of his desire. (Sadly, his missus/goat expired a short while later. Exhaustion, maybe?)

I feel dead people.

PS: Mermaid of Moorgate: wow. Are you sure you and Fatman weren't separated at birth?

8:02 pm  
Blogger Captain Smack said...

Holy crap, that was real? A friend of mine mentioned this the other day, and, I swear, I thought she was joking (the context it came up in, it seemed like a joke).

I'd just like to go on record as saying that I don't really care what happens to my body after I'm dead, so feel free to have fun. Might as well, it's not like I'll have anything better to do.

8:48 pm  
Blogger Miss Smack said...

Ted Bundy used to have his gf play dead while he screwed her and look where his preferences took him. I'm shocked that the family of the dead girl are powerless. Did they create a new law to avoid punks doing this repeatedly?

Would it be different if a pedo dug up a baby?

for fucks sake, whats the world coming to?

9:37 pm  
Blogger Fatman said...

Mermaid of Moorgate- Well, its like they say, 'Dead girls don't say no'. But it's never a lasting relationship.

Broadzilla- I heard about the Sudanese guy and the 'mysterious' death of his goat bride as well. It'll be hard to enforce the marrying of a corpse. The whole 'Until death do us part' bit gives them an escape clause I think.

Captain Smack- It's good to know that once you've shuffled off your mortal coil you're happy to let strangers have fun with what's left of your body. The Doug Anthony All-Stars did a skit about donating your body to a necrophiliac which is a bit too long to get into detail here but I'll repeat a joke of theirs instead:

What's the difference between having sex with a dead person, and having sex with an English person?

You need less alcohol for the dead person!

Miss Smack- Yup. Ted was a mixed-up kid alright. When you bludgeon people and have your way with them with a speculum and sodomize corpses you've got to ask yourself, 'Could I be a psycho?' As for the state of the Wisconsin legal system, I hear this case is forcing those folks to amend the laws a tad.

12:07 pm  
Blogger SassyAssy said...

Ewwwww! Welcome to America!

I have been way too remiss in reading your blog! You post the most exciting stories and then there are your takes on them.

The legal system is really screwed up! Maybe they should just admit those guys for some heavy duty counseling in the local psychiatric ward!

11:20 pm  
Blogger Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Broadzilla - we were indeed separated at birth in a very clever way - different years, different parents.

But FM - the idea of intercourse with the dead or even the nearly dead is so utterly disgusting I can hardly bring myself to think of it... and yet... I would gladly give Peter O'Toole something that would make him go to his grave with a smile on his face.

11:46 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Two gay necrophiliacs are walking past a morgue. One turns to the other and says, "Do you want to go in and suck down a cold one?"

You know who this is Fatman.

2:41 pm  
Blogger Mermaid of Moorgate said...

Fatman... this is indeed a funny post, but come back from your mortuary visiting holiday and give us some more Fatmanliness!!

2:14 am  
Blogger Fatman said...

Mermaid of Moorgate- Peter O'Toole...is..still alive? Oh. Oh my. How utterly unexpected.*

Anonymous- There is only one man sick enough to tell a joke of that calibre. And yes I loved it.

Mermaid of Moorgate- You can generally tell how busy I am in life by how little I write. I intend to some days but then again I'd rather sit around at home, turn on the PS2, and kill imaginary people in a digital world and accumulate points that have no meaning whatsoever in the real world. Or have a go at a sudoku puzzle- the Playstation for poor people.

* Actually he's still going strong. He was recently in Venus (a film I didn't see but my friends enjoyed) and even in the latest Pixar film with animated rats where he plays a food critic. Or so I'm told.

6:23 pm  

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