Fatman on Fatman
Interviewer: Howdy folk. Joining me in the studio today is that reclusive writer S.Heazlewood, a.k.a. Fatman, who has not been seen or heard from for quite some time. I know that some of you folks have wild theories about the nature of his disappearance. Theories that have ranged from broken fingers, blunt force trauma-slash-head injuries that may have caused some sort of amnesia, being kidnapped by yetis and the like.
Respondent: (Looking slightly dishevelled as if he's just been mugged by seagulls. He picks at a crumb that he's found on his shirt) Am I on?
Interviewer: We're live.
Respondent: Wonderful. That's great news. I'm a big fan of...uh...the..where am I again?
Interviewer: (Slightly unsure if Respondent's comment is meant in jest or if he's genuinely baffled) Ha Ha.
Respondent: (Grins blankly)
Interviewer: How have you been? It's been a while.
Respondent: Uh...yah. I guess. Er....has it?
(Audience laugh)
Interviewer: Ever so slightly. (Audience laugh) What's been happening? You don't call. You don't write. You fell off the planet there for a while. Are you well?
Respondent: Yeah. I'm totally fine y'know? It's just that...I've been doing things. Stuff. Things and stuff mainly.
Interviewer: (Rolls eyes. Audience laugh) Did you want to elaborate or should we just assume...
Respondent: Oh you want specifics?
Interviewer: Would you?
(Audience laughs)
Respondent: Ha ha. I'm...I'm a bit vague today. Ha. Look, I've been drinking a fair bit.
Interviewer: Who hasn't?
(Applause)
Respondent: What else? (cocking head. Looking baffled) What HAVE I been doing? I bought myself an Xbox 360 around October or November last year so there's been a lot of..uh..that happening. Killing terrorists and zombies. Saving the world. That sort of thing. But recently, and this sorta happened over night, my TV screen started to take on this red shade y'know? So I've stopped gaming for a bit. (Absently) Must get the TV repaired.
Interviewer: The life of a celebrity.
(Respondent and Audience laugh)
Respondent: I lose MONTHS to that fucking machine. Uh...am I allowed to swear here?
Interviewer: If you must.
Respondent: Can I say 'cocksucker'?
Interviewer: Yes.
Respondent: Cocksucker.
(Audience laugh, applaud)
Interviewer: Let's move on shall we? So, you've basically been drinking beer and playing computer games.
Respondent: And working. I'm working heaps of hours.
Interviewer: This would be where exactly?
Respondent: I'm currently working in a bar on Chapel street in Prahran.
Interviewer: (Raises eyebrows) Prahran? That's not exactly your side of the river is it?
Respondent: Well, no. Not really. I'm kinda used to the North side of Melbourne y'know? Which is where your hippie, arty type of person live. I mean, most bars over this side (of the river) don't even HAVE lime to put in drinks. They just...put lime cordial into peoples' drinks if they order a..a...a...vodka, lime and soda. Or maybe they punch the person who ordered it for being a pussy.
Interviewer: I see.
Respondent: Prahran has always been where the (makes quotation marks with his fingers in the air) "fashion conscious" people live. Cool haircuts. Fancy shirts. Y'know...cocksuckers.
(Audience laughs)
Interviewer: How have you gone adjusting to the change in environment?
Respondent: Good. I mean, I like the bar I'm working in. Hell, I've been going there for, like, six years, seven years. And the people there are cool. The staff and the regulars are pretty awesome. Weirdos...but awesome.
Interviewer: So, it's been a good year for you so far?
Respondent: Yeah. Busy but good. I mean what are we...a few weeks in? The heat has knocked me about a bit and being in hospitality I never got that two week break that every other living person in the Free World seems to get. Most people, sorry to generalise, but most people spend this time of year living like a Colombian drug lord. Like, sitting around the beach, drinking cocktails named after cities and smoking cigars. Oh, did I tell you what I'm planning later this year?
Interviewer: What's that?
Respondent: Well, I'm planning another overseas trip later this year. Maybe September or November. It really depends on the finances really. But I've got it in my mind to...to head over to Cuba...
Interviewer: Why Cuba?
Respondent: I think it....when did the idea settle in my head? A few years ago at any rate. I think I saw Buena Vista Social Club and thought it'd be neat to check out the music scene there. Spend a few weeks where they've got all these vintage '60s and '70s cars smoking cigars. Gotta do it before Castro dies y'know.
Interviewer: Just Cuba?
Respondent: Afterwards I want to head over to New York. I think logically the other way would be tons easier. Because the Yanks have a shitty..uh..what do they call it? No Fly List..uh...yeah...No Fly List policy. Because of the TSA who are like bloodhounds...but real dumb ones y'know? Just relentless. I mean, did you hear about this five-year old kid who was detained because his name sounded like a possible terrorist?
Interviewer: This was just recently.
Respondent: Yah. So they've got armed guards...I'm imagining armed guards for this one...who are holding this fuckin' five-year old hostage essentially in case he steers the plane into a building or blows it up or something. I'm getting off the topic.
Interviewer: I didn't want to say anything.
(Interviewer and Respondent laugh)
Respondent: Ha Ha. It's just...it's just so stupid y'know? Anyway..
Interviewer: New York.
Respondent: New York. Reason: It's big and people talk about it. Even people who have never been there. People who have never been there wear T-Shirts that say they love it. Cocksuckers. But I primarily want to go see Letterman because I love that show. Well..."love" is a strong word. I think I love the idea of the show. Some of the episodes are killer but that's like one in...ten or twenty. Depends on the guest and Letterman's mood. And the script writers naturally. From New York [makes dramatic hand gestures]..Barrow!
Interviewer: Barrow?
Respondent: Barrow, Alaska baby!
Interviewer: Is this possibly because of (the film adapted from the comic book) Thirty Days of Night?
Respondent: Well, the town, the area fascinates me. I wasn't such a fan of (the writer of Thirty Days of Night) Steve Niles' stuff. I mean, it was a good idea but it...didn't really grab me by the balls. Which all good literature should. And I haven't seen the film.
Interviewer: Neither have I. But then again, I don't go out much.
(Audience laughs)
Respondent: Well (my friend) Free Beer suggested salmon fishing in Alaska sometime last year and the idea sort of stuck. Though he's probably not going to be able to come along because his wife (Freddy Nunchucks) won't let him. I don't know. Alaska. It seems like such a cool place to check out.
Interviewer: Does it?
(Respondent and audience laugh)
Respondent: I'm into desolate places though. Cold, desolate places. I mean, I've been to Tynda in Russia y'know? Loved it. It was so...
Interviewer: Depressing?
Respondent: Different.
Interviewer: Now, are you planning on travelling alone this time?
Respondent: Nik- who I went on the Trans-Siberian railway with- said he might come along. He's..well...it's money dependant for him as well. Chris probably can't come along because he's off to America earlier in the year for a friend's wedding. Same country but months apart.
Interviewer: Well, it's about time to wrap this up. When did you say this was? The trip?
Respondent: September. Ish.
Interviewer: A pleasure as always. Ladies and Gentlemen, Fatman.
(Applause)
Respondent: (Looking slightly dishevelled as if he's just been mugged by seagulls. He picks at a crumb that he's found on his shirt) Am I on?
Interviewer: We're live.
Respondent: Wonderful. That's great news. I'm a big fan of...uh...the..where am I again?
Interviewer: (Slightly unsure if Respondent's comment is meant in jest or if he's genuinely baffled) Ha Ha.
Respondent: (Grins blankly)
Interviewer: How have you been? It's been a while.
Respondent: Uh...yah. I guess. Er....has it?
(Audience laugh)
Interviewer: Ever so slightly. (Audience laugh) What's been happening? You don't call. You don't write. You fell off the planet there for a while. Are you well?
Respondent: Yeah. I'm totally fine y'know? It's just that...I've been doing things. Stuff. Things and stuff mainly.
Interviewer: (Rolls eyes. Audience laugh) Did you want to elaborate or should we just assume...
Respondent: Oh you want specifics?
Interviewer: Would you?
(Audience laughs)
Respondent: Ha ha. I'm...I'm a bit vague today. Ha. Look, I've been drinking a fair bit.
Interviewer: Who hasn't?
(Applause)
Respondent: What else? (cocking head. Looking baffled) What HAVE I been doing? I bought myself an Xbox 360 around October or November last year so there's been a lot of..uh..that happening. Killing terrorists and zombies. Saving the world. That sort of thing. But recently, and this sorta happened over night, my TV screen started to take on this red shade y'know? So I've stopped gaming for a bit. (Absently) Must get the TV repaired.
Interviewer: The life of a celebrity.
(Respondent and Audience laugh)
Respondent: I lose MONTHS to that fucking machine. Uh...am I allowed to swear here?
Interviewer: If you must.
Respondent: Can I say 'cocksucker'?
Interviewer: Yes.
Respondent: Cocksucker.
(Audience laugh, applaud)
Interviewer: Let's move on shall we? So, you've basically been drinking beer and playing computer games.
Respondent: And working. I'm working heaps of hours.
Interviewer: This would be where exactly?
Respondent: I'm currently working in a bar on Chapel street in Prahran.
Interviewer: (Raises eyebrows) Prahran? That's not exactly your side of the river is it?
Respondent: Well, no. Not really. I'm kinda used to the North side of Melbourne y'know? Which is where your hippie, arty type of person live. I mean, most bars over this side (of the river) don't even HAVE lime to put in drinks. They just...put lime cordial into peoples' drinks if they order a..a...a...vodka, lime and soda. Or maybe they punch the person who ordered it for being a pussy.
Interviewer: I see.
Respondent: Prahran has always been where the (makes quotation marks with his fingers in the air) "fashion conscious" people live. Cool haircuts. Fancy shirts. Y'know...cocksuckers.
(Audience laughs)
Interviewer: How have you gone adjusting to the change in environment?
Respondent: Good. I mean, I like the bar I'm working in. Hell, I've been going there for, like, six years, seven years. And the people there are cool. The staff and the regulars are pretty awesome. Weirdos...but awesome.
Interviewer: So, it's been a good year for you so far?
Respondent: Yeah. Busy but good. I mean what are we...a few weeks in? The heat has knocked me about a bit and being in hospitality I never got that two week break that every other living person in the Free World seems to get. Most people, sorry to generalise, but most people spend this time of year living like a Colombian drug lord. Like, sitting around the beach, drinking cocktails named after cities and smoking cigars. Oh, did I tell you what I'm planning later this year?
Interviewer: What's that?
Respondent: Well, I'm planning another overseas trip later this year. Maybe September or November. It really depends on the finances really. But I've got it in my mind to...to head over to Cuba...
Interviewer: Why Cuba?
Respondent: I think it....when did the idea settle in my head? A few years ago at any rate. I think I saw Buena Vista Social Club and thought it'd be neat to check out the music scene there. Spend a few weeks where they've got all these vintage '60s and '70s cars smoking cigars. Gotta do it before Castro dies y'know.
Interviewer: Just Cuba?
Respondent: Afterwards I want to head over to New York. I think logically the other way would be tons easier. Because the Yanks have a shitty..uh..what do they call it? No Fly List..uh...yeah...No Fly List policy. Because of the TSA who are like bloodhounds...but real dumb ones y'know? Just relentless. I mean, did you hear about this five-year old kid who was detained because his name sounded like a possible terrorist?
Interviewer: This was just recently.
Respondent: Yah. So they've got armed guards...I'm imagining armed guards for this one...who are holding this fuckin' five-year old hostage essentially in case he steers the plane into a building or blows it up or something. I'm getting off the topic.
Interviewer: I didn't want to say anything.
(Interviewer and Respondent laugh)
Respondent: Ha Ha. It's just...it's just so stupid y'know? Anyway..
Interviewer: New York.
Respondent: New York. Reason: It's big and people talk about it. Even people who have never been there. People who have never been there wear T-Shirts that say they love it. Cocksuckers. But I primarily want to go see Letterman because I love that show. Well..."love" is a strong word. I think I love the idea of the show. Some of the episodes are killer but that's like one in...ten or twenty. Depends on the guest and Letterman's mood. And the script writers naturally. From New York [makes dramatic hand gestures]..Barrow!
Interviewer: Barrow?
Respondent: Barrow, Alaska baby!
Interviewer: Is this possibly because of (the film adapted from the comic book) Thirty Days of Night?
Respondent: Well, the town, the area fascinates me. I wasn't such a fan of (the writer of Thirty Days of Night) Steve Niles' stuff. I mean, it was a good idea but it...didn't really grab me by the balls. Which all good literature should. And I haven't seen the film.
Interviewer: Neither have I. But then again, I don't go out much.
(Audience laughs)
Respondent: Well (my friend) Free Beer suggested salmon fishing in Alaska sometime last year and the idea sort of stuck. Though he's probably not going to be able to come along because his wife (Freddy Nunchucks) won't let him. I don't know. Alaska. It seems like such a cool place to check out.
Interviewer: Does it?
(Respondent and audience laugh)
Respondent: I'm into desolate places though. Cold, desolate places. I mean, I've been to Tynda in Russia y'know? Loved it. It was so...
Interviewer: Depressing?
Respondent: Different.
Interviewer: Now, are you planning on travelling alone this time?
Respondent: Nik- who I went on the Trans-Siberian railway with- said he might come along. He's..well...it's money dependant for him as well. Chris probably can't come along because he's off to America earlier in the year for a friend's wedding. Same country but months apart.
Interviewer: Well, it's about time to wrap this up. When did you say this was? The trip?
Respondent: September. Ish.
Interviewer: A pleasure as always. Ladies and Gentlemen, Fatman.
(Applause)
posted by Fatman | 7:58 pm
14 Comments:
Would you believe that Yawn left a comment on my blog asking me to kick your butt and get you to make a post? He/she must think I'm your agent. Anyway, the Buena Vista Social Club were fantastic, but the lead singer died recently. At least he got to see New York first. I hear the hospitality business is big in Cuba so maybe you could get a job there. I won't mention sex tourism. But visiting northern countries during winter is crazy. Climb Kilimanjaro if you want a bit of snow. Castro is a cross between a gibbon and a baboon.
(Applause)
You were mugged by seagulls, weren't you? Let me know when you're planning on doing the Antarctica circuit.
What, Africa isn't good enough for you?
(I know, I know - I owe you a half-dozen emails. They're on The List.)
if you wanna go to cuba, pretend you're a canadian. Cubans love Canadians and Canadians love being adored by anyone. Hell, they'd be happy if Mugabe sent them a box of dead pigeons. Roadkill pie! woohoo.
In other news, I am sad that you have malingered over the XBox instead of regaling us with your tales. We're not waiting until September to hear of your big trip. Get down to Lidl and write about that. Dare You.
Hello Fatman - Glad to see you are still your funny self. Oh about Lettermen, I went and saw him, but you MUST put yourself on the list AT LEAST 6 months in advance and they call you and ask you 5 questions about New York - THEN and here is a tip - you must play on the fact that you have watched in for years and are a tourist in NYC for a week...
Oh - go eat at the mexican Restaurant a few blocks away called Rosarios... it is What mexican heaven should be...
My mate Adam wants to go to Cuba real bad - want a buddy alone - he's good company most of the time.
Obi
Is it time yet to declare this blog deceased?
For god's sake, man. It doesn't have to end this way.
Think of the children!
Fatman, Fatman! Where art thou Fatman???
in other words....hurry the fuck up and write something new.
That story about the child was most amusing. It makes me want to assume an alias just for the experience so I can write about how I got entered by the USA for being called a name of arabic origin when I entered the USA.
IF YOU DONT UPDATE THIS BLOG THEN... I CANT READ YOUR NEW POST...
GAH!
saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam?
can't wait for the next episode, the one about the machine gun chain saw
Fatman, go to "the pauline hickey fan page" for dozens of naked images of one of the most incredible chicks of all time.
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