fatman Find the clues!

Sunday, July 27, 2003

Confessions of a Fat Mind

Some time ago I mentioned that the script writer of 'Anger Management', an Adam Sandler 'romp' was written by a CIA assassin/ Television Personality who had 14 or so kills under his belt and that 'Confessions of a Dangerous Mind' was the film based on his life.
I was wrong.
'Confessions' is about a dude named Barris, ANOTHER CIA agent who was an assassin as well as inventor of several game shows. It is a chilling thought that there are so many CIA "wet arts" specialists who have hosted 'Wheel of Fortune'-type shows. Is the same true of Australia? Is Baby John secretly a mercenary? Is Glenn Ridge proficient in garrote wire?

Breakouts in Brazil.
Apparently in Brazil earlier this week there was a prison guard who decided to have a few beers at a pub near the jail where he worked. Inside, to his surprise, were three of the inmates having a few bevvies. On informing the owner he was told that the three men were regulars. Regulars? These guys regularly broke out of prison, had a few drinks, and then broke back IN to prison. Now, that's cool.

This idea is so wack I wish I had thought of it. Housemate Darren is an RMIT computer lecturer and last week students had to submit ideas for animations. This was the proposal,
'O.K., so there's this guy who works at the Morgue (yawn), but he's a necrophiliac (who isn't?), but he's involved with a zombie who can reciprocate his love.'
Now, that's a guy who's going places... Hollywood or a mental institution I can't decide.

Arty Farty.
Went to a art exhibition of Friday to see Miles' work. There was a lot of shredded up 80's Heavy Metal shirts like Metallica back when they were cool, Iron Maiden,etc,etc,etc. Also the wine was too cheap and sweet for human consumption. But this leads me to Art and from there to a short piece on Art Teachers by Mr.Chris Ware of the Acme Novelty Library catalogue edition..
'Discover the joys and mysteries of your own "creativity" with your own personal art teacher. Let this desperate soul drag you down in his or her personal quest for "grants" and a "tenured position"; learn lots about yourself in the process. Learn that art is either a strange, exotic, inexplicable, mystical activity, or a wholly rational, scientific "investigation", and that "talent" is only an impediment to real expression. Learn that "skill" is only a "seductive affectation" that fakers use to "trick" people in to thinking that they're good. Learn that if you "like" something, you've got to be able to detail and outline exactly why. Learn that "liking something" is bad anyway. Learn that you can't draw pictures of ladies if you're a boy, but, if you're a girl, you can take pictures of your crotch and say it's political and get a "grant" Learn that art teachers don't like it if you get a "grant" and they don't. Learn that all those Renaissan! ce guys were actually perverts and misogynists, and that they abused women with their eyes, and that if you want to learn to draw like them, then you're a woman-hating pervert too. Learn that it's actually easier to take a can of spaghettios and put it on the floor than to make something that might honestly touch someone deeply. Learn that your art teacher likes it when you put a can of spaghettios on the floor because it's a lot easier to talk about than something that is honestly touching. Learn that there are hundreds of people who are ready and willing to write articles about spaghettios on the floor because they learned all the stuff that you are too. Learn that "drawing" is only a "skill" that any moron could learn, and that you should always think about everything before you do it. Learn that your career is a lot more important than entertaining yourself, or entertaining others, and that you should spend every available minute of your dwindling life furthering it. Learn that! it is better to be part of a "movement" than to do things on your own because you can lose yourself in the shuffle if you're not very good at explaining why you can't draw, and why you took pictures of your crotch, and why you put spaghettios on the floor. Lie awake at night and marvel at the richness of your life and how much joy you've derived from not learning how to draw, taking pictures of your crotch, and putting spaghettios on the floor.Learn that if you make stuff that your parents and people who watch a lot of T.V. don't understand, that it must be good. Learn to cultivate a mysterious side-long glance and a knowing smirk whenever people look to you to explain your "work" they don't understand. Learn to make up words that don't mean anything like "historicize", "genderfy" and "intentionality". Learn to use these words when you're talking about "cultural trends" and applying for "grants" or "tenured positions". Learn to...hey, you could even learn to be an art teacher!'

Fatman's Thought of the Day: Getting in touch with your Inner Child sounds like an illegal act. I'm sure it's something pederasts do in their spare time.

I don't want the world, I just want your half,

Thursday, July 10, 2003

Burning Down the House

The housewarming was a very, very subdued affair in the end. The 'Heroes and Villains' theme was taken on seriously by the guys who came first and left shortly after...and Darren, who came as a lesser known Japanese anime anti-hero. The night in review (as best as I can remember)
8:35- Micah is playing Mario Sunshine with the latest addition to the household- Game Cube. He is not dressed in costume. Darren and I go to get three bags of ice "just to be safe".
8: 45- The first wave of people arrive. Although 'wave' may be too strong a word for two people. You can tell they are Darren's friends because they have made the effort of shelling out to look like people from the Matrix.
Comments: Where's the party?
Darren: You're it.
9:15- The house is now populated by superheroes, Fire-Man, Power Puff Girls, more Matrix people, G.I. Joe, Lara Croft. Micah, in an effort to be sociable, has switched from Mario to a skating video.
9:25- Everyone is now watching a skating video. Micah is trying to explain certain terms like 'switch' and 'indie grab'. The number 180 is mentioned several times.
9:34- It is now the blooper section of the video. Instead of actors fudging their lines there is a succession of people falling off buildings, bouncing off cars, hitting their groins. Micah: 'A mate of mine tried to do an ollie off 11 flights of stairs, but he screwed up right? Landed on the tenth step with his nose. There's cracking of cartilage and lots of blood. This dude lost his sense of taste for six months and to this day he doesn't have the sense of smell'. There's nervous chuckles, coughing. I am laughing uproariously.
9:35- Our guests leave.
10:15- Andrea arrives with pizza. It is gourmet.
10:23- Ariel arrives. He has recently taken a part-time job that involves getting up at 4:30 in the morning and scaring bats. His 'costume' is one of the symbols from Transformers printed on A4. Sadly this is much more of an effort than me or Micah made.
10:45- Steve arrives. 'Is this the right house?'
11:15- The frisbee golf group arrive. 'Are we a day early?'
11:20- chit-chat. Flight simulators, Catch-22, terrorists are mentioned. Micah turns the Game Cube on again. He has long since ceased to make an effort for conversation.
11:30- Steve recounts a story about a dwarf who lived at his school who was placed in a suitcase and left in the bus. Nervous laughter, coughing. I laugh uproariously.
11:31- Someone tries to explain to me the difference between midgets and dwarves. Something about proportional heights. I say it's like the difference between alligators and crocodiles-There may be a difference but I don't care.
11:35- More people leave.
11:45- Slo-Mo Helen arrives. She has come from another housewarming party...with people.
12:30 through to 1:45- blurry. Jenkins, Doc, Helen, Scott arrive.
2:30- More people have gone. Scott has remained on the couch mumbling about teaching. A lot of beer is missing from the fridge. The three bags of ice is melting, melting.
3:30- Unconsciousness.
10: 45- Scott is missing. Along with the stereo.
10:45 and thirty seconds.- Found stereo.

Damn dirty apes,