fatman Find the clues!

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

Travel Bento

Japan Trip.
Friends, Romans, etc….listen up. In October I shall be
heading to Godzilla’s favourite lunch- Tokyo. It must
be a good month for travelling since Jenkins will also
be going overseas, to New Zealand, where he is
supposed to be working. This is probably going to
consist of drinking pina coladas (a Maori word for
‘beer’) out of coconuts (‘coconuts’ being the Maori
word for ‘skulls of tourists’).
I am reluctant to tell people when exactly in October
I shall be scooting off since the last time I did so,
around three years ago, I was forced to play poker
till the wee hours. At around the time everyone was
watching Nikki Webster flying around on a piano string
at the Sydney Olympics opening ceremony, praying
almost in unison that she would plunge to her bloody
death, I was in the midst of cretins looking at cards,
drinking. Was about $20 down to boot.
Japan it is! Japan, where adults drink beer and read
comic books on public transport. Where the bushido
samurai spirit is awakened in all persons only when
they want to board an already jam-packed train
carriage (amid the crushed bodies of business men
spilling their beer and dropping their comic books).
Where vending machines have swarmed the countryside,
like a dalek invasion. Where game show hosts commit
hara-kiri suicide, live-on-air, if they do not rate
well enough.
Alright, I made the last bit up.
To get into the mood of the Jap Trip ’03 I was
thinking about going to the Great Britain Hotel in
Richmond where they have sumo wrestling on Sundays
5-8. Unlike the North Melbourne Hotel this will be the
real deal-fat suits. If there’s enough interest, may
hold the event this week.
Soba as a Judge,

Sunday, September 21, 2003

You had me at 'Hello'

Bubba Ho Tep.
THE most amusing concept for a film is just around
the corner and I just wanted eveyone to be part of
history. B-Grade Bruce Campbell, notorious for his
'Evil Dead' films, as the King himself, Elvis Aaron
. In a retirement home. Versus the mummy Bubba
Ho Tep. Get the popcorn ready for that cinematic

So, I get this call on Friday (19/09/03). It's Free
Beer 'Aaargh my matey! How be thee ye filthy sea dog?'
'What the heck are you talking about?'
'It be "International Talk like a pirate day" where
I hung up on the sorry bastard. He had strained my
patience for long enough. The scary thing is it WAS.
Apparently you can check it up on
www.internationaltalklikeapirate.com. if anyone can be

More Weirdness on the Planet.
Also on the off chance that talking like a pirate
appeals to your sense of humour maybe checking out
www.worldtoewrestling.org. is your thing as well.An
annual event that has been going on since 1976 in
Derbyshire, England.

Hail to the King,

Monday, September 08, 2003

Craven for Horror?

It really is a great time for schlock horror, there is not one but two zombie films showing presently ('Undead' and '28 Days later'-not '28 Days' which was a Sandra Bullock flick about recovering Alcoholics. Curiously enough though the 'kinda funny-looking' Steve Buscemi has recently won an award for Most Likely To Return From The Dead. Let's face it, even without any make-up he does look like a walking corpse.) as well as 'Evil Dead- The Musical'. And ofcourse there is the eagerly anticipated 'Freddy vs. Jason'.

The Kruger/ Voorhees Match.
The aptly titled 'Freddy vs. Jason' has apparently broken box-office records in the States- directed by Ronny 'Bride of Chucky' Yu and starring Destiny's Child....unfotunately not Beyonce....someone else. Kelly someone. It nevertheless should deliver what it promises.

Video Killed the Radio Show.
Years ago,Nifty and yours truly were a couple of lowly graveyarders on 3RRR* ,a radio station that is a distant cousin to 3PBS,discussing the issue of 'Freddy vs. Jason'.It was one of our earlier shows and generated an hour debate on who would win this fight. On the one hand you had a burned-out hobo (and seriously, who hasn't set fire to a hobo in their childhood?) and on the other hand you had an ice hockey enthusiast who never said much. But the phonelines were red hot with insomniacs, people on the late shift and prison escapees wanting to put their two cents on the issue.

Run Christ,Run
A.K.A. Fatman

*The radio station resides on 102.7 on the FM dial and can be heard when you screw up tuning to GOLD FM or when you go to alternate bookstores full of University graduate-types who use big words. Our meteoric rise from humble graveyardes to humble fills, and then our inevitable plummet to the obscurity of graveyards is still a cautionary tale among new staff. Our show always seemed to be on a knife edge when our proposal for a show was rejected with extreme prejudice by Program Manager-James 'The Hound Dog' Young. Here is an honest-to-God rejection letter, in full.

Dear (Fatman),

In my two years as Program Manager of RRR it has been my displeasure to listen to hundreds of sub-standard demo tapes, but I can't remember ever hearing a submission as unworthy and disturbing as that of yourself and...'Nifty' McLean.

Where do I start. The most obvious problems with your submission include 1) an unauthorized and inexperienced third voice (Phone Op Mungo, I believe), 2) free use of the word 'f_ck', 3) poor attention to microphone levels and general production, 4) annoying talking over the top of songs, 5) pointless talk-back and distressing willingness to blindly represent the station on programming issue (I refer to the Indian Father prank call_, 6) mentioning the fact that your show was not being logged on reel to reel and admitting an inability to address the problem on air, 7) too much talk and 8) boring self-obsessed whinging drivel as so-called entertainment.

Not only am I not willing to offer you a show of your own, but I have a good mind to withdraw you from our current graveyard roster. You must improve your act and as a matter of urgency sit through one of the station's 'Orientation' sessions so as to familiarize yourself better with vital broadcasting rules and regulations you have been ignorantly flaunting.

On the up side you have an enthusiasm towards community radio which will be tested to the limit when you are compelled to address the volume of serious concerns I presently hold for your broadcasting future. Thankfully with commitment these problems can be confronted and hopefully overcome.