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Monday, April 19, 2004

The Joy Lock Club

The absolute joys of working in a fairly well known bar for...ahem...six or so years is the regulars that will pop in from time to time and regale you with stories of their often inebriated lives. Stories that involve nudity or dressing up in strange attire ( cowboy outfits, super hero costumes, pirate garb) and climbing tall buildings and riding shopping trolleys and the inevitable injuries that follow. Unfortunately there are also regulars who are depressed and/ or annoying who will return to your bar whether you want them or not like an annoying alcoholic relative during the Christmas season who you have to entertain because of God knows why.

The Jesus Freak is one of these guys that is like an ingrown toenail that you have to live with- ugly, painful and makes you question the Almighty. I think the reason we have never dragged him outside and paid winos a case of grog to beat him silly is that despite his constant preaching that drives customers away in droves and low-tolerance to alcohol which makes him LOUDER and less comprehensible after beer #2. he isn't a bad guy and he means well. Like the Ricky Gervais' David Brent character from the Office, he's a guy who has never learnt any form of social etiquette in 48-years. And who doesn't need to feel loved?

Some time ago Jesus Freak came in with his "buddy" of 20-years- Mike, or Marvin. 'We're gunna live together! I'm kickin' out the other guy I'm living with...you remember that old guy, Arnie? And I'm moving in with Mike (or Marvin). We been best mates for TWENTY YEARS!' spews J.F.
'You'd get less for murder.' chortles Mike (or Marvin)- a joke I am certain he says at every given opportunity.

They talk for some time about the fun times they had in the past (duration: about four minutes), then about some news item (1 minute), women they have slept with (.48 seconds), women they would like to sleep with (28 minutes), how they've known each other for SUCH a long time (10 minutes), 'I've known this man for TWENTY YEARS!", 'You get less for murder!'( constant comments every 3 minutes or so) and how much of a blast it would be to live together. Then a seemingly trivial point sends them on a downward spiral.

'When I move in,' slurs Mike or Marvin,' we got to change the locks. First thing! Change the locks.'
Jesus Freak says 'We don't need to change the locks. I've got the only keys. Arnie's given me his only set.'
Mike or Marvin: I want the locks changed.
Jesus Freak: It doesn't need changing.
Mike or Marvin: Change it.
Jesus Freak: Over my dead body.

At which point they start hurling abuse at each other and past wounds which have scabbed over in the last few years are now gaping open with 'Well you've never once done (such-and-such)!' and 'Remember that fifty bucks I lent you back in (a long time ago)!'. Mike or Marvin then went to the toilets when Jesus Freak turns to me and says 'I've been carrying that BASTARD for twenty years!'

Monday, April 05, 2004

The Grim Reaper rides Shotgun

My first car accident,
Death is on the passenger's side
by S.Heazlewood, a.k.a. Fatman.

The '98 Barina has been in my possesion for about a week. It's green, you can pop the top off it during the summertime without having to use a power saw and now it has a scratch on the front of it. Not much of a scratch. No sir.
Now the van that I hit on the other hand has a '98 Barina-like dent on the left hand side and a driver named 'Dave'. 'Dave' and I will be on the phone quite frequently I imagine, talking about cars. Specifically his van and my car.
And insurance.
Or lack thereof.
And things like plummeting ratings.
I can't believe it's only been two hours or so ago that I made the mistake of returning a dvd on time (likely penalty $7.50) just to hit a goddamn van (likely penalty $450-$700). And, if I haven't mentioned this earlier, it's a van. How do you miss a van in your rear vision mirror? It's a van! I had no idea the blind spot would be so massive. When 'Dave' got out of his van and asked what happened all I could think of saying was that the sun was in my eyes. 'At least I didn't crash into your wife and kids and therefore leaving you alone in this vale of tears. Ha ha.' Dead silence. 'Dave' mentions something along the lines of only having the van for two weeks.

This is generally what happens when I try to park cars

I always imagined something like this would happen a lot earlier in my driving life. My driving instructor was a nervous English guy called Chris who seemed to flinch anytime I changed lanes. His habit of staggering out of the car after the lesson and kissing the ground, tears in his eyes was a bit ridiculous I thought, but now I know he was forseeing days like these.

There really is no good news or anything funny to report this week but I thought you guys might enjoy a snippet of the continuing tragedy I call my life.

One accident down, how many more to go?