Three Days Without A Violent Lesbian Brawl

Andrew Natoli, one of the concierges at the Westin Hotel, told me last night that my bar was mentioned in a Gay & Lesbian leaflet as a ' place to go'. Since the bar is called the Amethyst once in every six to eight moths someone will enquire if it is a gay bar because it has a slightly effeminate sounding name. Usually the person asking has just come from a sporting event where he and his viking horde have just finished crushing beer cans on their foreheads and drinking the blood spurting out of the necks of the vanquished losers. I usually reply that it is not and then ask them if they were looking for one which tends to shut them up. Or gets me beaten to a bloody pulp.

For all the reflections I have on love, lust and relationships I hardly touch the homosexual subject. Heh, heh, heh. I said " touch the homosexual subject". Back when I was a kid love was a very simple thing. It was always the Age Old Story of Boy meets Girl, They fall in love, the Boy turns into a 1,000 year-old demon and tries to rape the Girl, Girl manages to escape and goes to her grandfather's underground secret laboratory and finds a complex scientific weapon that is powered by an illegal thermonuclear device and holy water that she uses to subdue the Boy/ Demon who is laying waste to the downtown area of the city, Boy's head explodes. Fin. Of course when I was a kid I used to watch a lot of Japanese Animation that may have influenced the way I deal with love. Hence I am still single.

Love obviously is a lot more complex and convoluted than the Boy meets Girl scenario but I think we as a species of homo sapiens ( Heh, heh, heh, I said " homo") have evolved somewhat from the Dark Ages of the 1950's. All the petty things tend to fall by the wayside- age, religion, stature, creed, race and gender. I'm all for lesbianism. Truly all for it. Gay guys can be OK as long as they realise that having a lisp does not excuse them from being a total prick.

About three weeks ago I was drinking on a Sunday at my friend Matt's bar in Prahran called the Blue Bar ( another semi-gay sounding name. I think it's a colour thing) on Chapel Street ( a street where wearing pink polo shirts is sadly the norm, even for alleged heterosexuals ) where he was telling me of a vicious lesbian brawl. Now when I tend to think of lesbians having a disagreement it is usually resolved with everyone dressed in lingerie or bunny outfits hitting each other with goose down pillows in a pit of mud, sometimes jelly. There is a lot of girlish giggling. ' Nah man it was insane,' says Matt ' One girl glassed another. It took four of us to try to pry these chicks apart.'

I don't know about you but I have seen plenty of films where a coven of lesbians spend the majority of the time bored, lounging around the pool, spraying themselves with water when in comes a friendly pool cleaner/ door-to-door salesman/ substitute gym teacher to "cure" them of their "condition", if only for an afternoon. There'll be a brief bit of dialogue (eg. The girls will read his card and say: ' Mr.Featherstonehaugh is it? That's quite a mouthful.', 'So is this baby!') followed by deep bass music, bad lighting and nekked Twister contests that lasts until everyone is sated. The truth of the matter is we're all the same old mundane humans, except for maybe a Yeti that has managed to get access to a laptop and currently reading this, with the same old anger management issues. Glassing bad. Talk good.

In real life one of the girls would have a broken bottle in hand, the other would have her opponent's teeth

I truly hope that unlike me, everyone reading this is a lot more mature in dealing with all manner and patter of sex and sexuality. I for one am happy that the Amethyst is classified as a ' gay friendly' place and we welcome homosexuals along with the hetero yobs with open arms. As long as no one tries to French Kiss no one.

There is no message so don't bother looking for one,
Fatman