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Thursday, October 13, 2005

Three Days Without A Violent Lesbian Brawl

Andrew Natoli, one of the concierges at the Westin Hotel, told me last night that my bar was mentioned in a Gay & Lesbian leaflet as a ' place to go'. Since the bar is called the Amethyst once in every six to eight moths someone will enquire if it is a gay bar because it has a slightly effeminate sounding name. Usually the person asking has just come from a sporting event where he and his viking horde have just finished crushing beer cans on their foreheads and drinking the blood spurting out of the necks of the vanquished losers. I usually reply that it is not and then ask them if they were looking for one which tends to shut them up. Or gets me beaten to a bloody pulp.

For all the reflections I have on love, lust and relationships I hardly touch the homosexual subject. Heh, heh, heh. I said " touch the homosexual subject". Back when I was a kid love was a very simple thing. It was always the Age Old Story of Boy meets Girl, They fall in love, the Boy turns into a 1,000 year-old demon and tries to rape the Girl, Girl manages to escape and goes to her grandfather's underground secret laboratory and finds a complex scientific weapon that is powered by an illegal thermonuclear device and holy water that she uses to subdue the Boy/ Demon who is laying waste to the downtown area of the city, Boy's head explodes. Fin. Of course when I was a kid I used to watch a lot of Japanese Animation that may have influenced the way I deal with love. Hence I am still single.

Love obviously is a lot more complex and convoluted than the Boy meets Girl scenario but I think we as a species of homo sapiens ( Heh, heh, heh, I said " homo") have evolved somewhat from the Dark Ages of the 1950's. All the petty things tend to fall by the wayside- age, religion, stature, creed, race and gender. I'm all for lesbianism. Truly all for it. Gay guys can be OK as long as they realise that having a lisp does not excuse them from being a total prick.

About three weeks ago I was drinking on a Sunday at my friend Matt's bar in Prahran called the Blue Bar ( another semi-gay sounding name. I think it's a colour thing) on Chapel Street ( a street where wearing pink polo shirts is sadly the norm, even for alleged heterosexuals ) where he was telling me of a vicious lesbian brawl. Now when I tend to think of lesbians having a disagreement it is usually resolved with everyone dressed in lingerie or bunny outfits hitting each other with goose down pillows in a pit of mud, sometimes jelly. There is a lot of girlish giggling. ' Nah man it was insane,' says Matt ' One girl glassed another. It took four of us to try to pry these chicks apart.'

I don't know about you but I have seen plenty of films where a coven of lesbians spend the majority of the time bored, lounging around the pool, spraying themselves with water when in comes a friendly pool cleaner/ door-to-door salesman/ substitute gym teacher to "cure" them of their "condition", if only for an afternoon. There'll be a brief bit of dialogue (eg. The girls will read his card and say: ' Mr.Featherstonehaugh is it? That's quite a mouthful.', 'So is this baby!') followed by deep bass music, bad lighting and nekked Twister contests that lasts until everyone is sated. The truth of the matter is we're all the same old mundane humans, except for maybe a Yeti that has managed to get access to a laptop and currently reading this, with the same old anger management issues. Glassing bad. Talk good.

In real life one of the girls would have a broken bottle in hand, the other would have her opponent's teeth

I truly hope that unlike me, everyone reading this is a lot more mature in dealing with all manner and patter of sex and sexuality. I for one am happy that the Amethyst is classified as a ' gay friendly' place and we welcome homosexuals along with the hetero yobs with open arms. As long as no one tries to French Kiss no one.

There is no message so don't bother looking for one,


Blogger Fatman said...

Fatman here. Just forwarding an email sent by Matt from Blue Bar because it's friggin' funny. While it takes me anything from 30 minutes-2 days to actually write any of my posts Matt has this annoying habit of writing a response in about three minutes.

Yetis are people too.

Not real people - just people with highly evolved metatarsal bone structures that it is easy to assume have hyper-developed either for the sake of tittilating foot fetishists or for peeling bananas whilst masturbating and tossing poop at abhorrent Japanese tourists and bar managers.

Hyper-developed metatarsal bone structures aside, yetis have opinions (oh yes, and feelings) too. Often, yetis are territorial and protective characters too. Seemingly however, not as protective, or as protagonist as lesbians. Of the last two glassings that have occured at bluebar both have been incidents incited and executed by women.

I'm not too sure what this means - perhaps that women have a singularly incorrect conception of grievous bodily harm as an incarcerable offence? Or perhaps that women do not have the (loosely phrased) concept of gentlemanly conduct that seems so populous amongst the hairier of the species. I provide the following example to support my theory:
Example A
Drunken Ignorant Male With Idiotic Tendancies (DIMWIT) 1:" Watch it mate."
Drunken Ignorant Male With Idiotic Tendancies (DIMWIT) 2: "Fuck off dickhead."
DIMWIT1: "Whadyousay 'mate'?"
DIMWIT2: "I said fuck off dickhead."
DIMWIT1: "Yeah?"
DIMWIT2: "Yeah!"
DIMWIT1: "Yeah?"
(DIMWIT1 posture corrects, shoulders thrust backward, chest forward, chin points at DIMWIT2's eyes)
DIMWIT2: "Yeah!"
(DIMWIT2 assumes similar stance and posture - neither steps forward nor back for sake of premature confrontation or loss of face)
DIMWIT1: "Just Fuck Off MATE or I'll beat your fucking head in."
DIMWIT2: "You and what army DICKHEAD!?"
(DIMWIT2 shoves DIMWIT1 in a pre-emptive show of masculine aggression. DIMWIT1 stumbles back a step then reciprocates shoving gesture. At this point in time DIMWITS 1a, 2a, 1b & 2b enter the fray and attempt to both restrain 1 & 2, whilst retaining their masculine aggressive status)
DIMWIT2: (To 2a & 2b) "Get off me." (To 1) "Come here fuckhead I'm gonna smash your fucking face in Mate!"
(1a, 1b, 2a, & 2b manage to remove 1 & 2 from direct conflict and either Group 1 or Group 2 leave the venue spewing "I woulda bashed that cunt," "Just leave it (insert name)-o. He's not fucking worth it mate," statements as virulently as the hotdogs and carrots that will soon be more tangibly spewed from those same mouths within the ensuing hours.
Example B
Blatantly Intoxicated Trashy Crack Hore(sic) (BITCH)1: "Fuck off slut!"
Blatantly Intoxicated Trashy Crack Hore(sic) )BITCH)2: "Fuck you slut!"
(BITCH1 grabs nearest glass and rams it forcefully into BITCH2s eyes. Blood and confusion consume the venue as DIMWITs laugh, point and clap whilst employees, security and BITCHes1a,1b,1c,1d,1e,2a,2b,2c,2d,2e remove their stilettos en-masse and attempt to fill an entire public hospital emergency room in the space of five minutes.)

As you can surely see from the examples listed above, Chick-Fights - as entertaining as they may be in the make-believe world of jelly, mud, slime, coffee, bikini, and misogynistic wank-fantasy - represent a far more primitive and aggressive threat to all involved. For tens of thousands of years the male of the species has hunted and gathered for his brood, and as such, has developed a keen understanding of what results from unbridled aggression and bleeding. The female of the species has instead spent her tens of thousands of years keenly competing for the attention of the male, and her competitors, which has only been compounded by the oft misguided and antagonistic medium of consumer acceptance and appreciation - and really, what better way to get noticed, and to prove one's fitness to procreate, than by rendering one's competition blind and lame?

What's a metatarsal?

2:29 am  
Blogger Fatman said...

....and more emails. This one from Laura in Canberra.

Back track... roughy, 5 weeks ago...

Picture this... Laura drunk ("hey, it shouldn't be that easy!!"), out at the only half decent club in Canberra which happens to be a gay club..

Arrives looking stunning ("now that should have been easy!!), with Jack (gay housemate on one side), Eileen (lesbian friend on other) closely followed by my entourage consisting of 3 more gay guys, and one he/she (now a she but was a he named Steph)

Have a couple of drinks, a little bit of a boogie, run into half the gay guys I dress at Soho and shock some straight ones because they immediately think that because I am dancing with a chick in a gay club I am therefore gay (sigh... men, when will they learn?)... anywho, long story short, Eileen runs into a girl that used to like her but Eileen did not share the same feelings, turns to me, assumes I am 'with' Eileen and starts piking a fight.... I tell her to go and get fucked (told you I was drunk) and some fashion sense, she turns to the bar, grabs her drink, throws it at Eileen, which hits her in the head and smashes on impact.

Thank god Eileen was a State Judo player, doesn't really flinch and instead, turns to the girl, takes one look at her and then calmy walks to the bathroom. This infuriates the crazy lesbian who follows us (I followed Eileen because I sure as hell couldn't fend for myself) and approaches us again in the toilets.... long story short again... she has a swing at me, misses, Eileen turns around and smashes her in the face, crazy lesbian falls back onto wall all dazed and confused at which stage Eileen and I quickly run out of the bathrooms passing the club owner who was running into the bathroom to break up the fight.... order another drink, have a boogie, watch the crazy lesbian get dragged out of club kicking and screaming.... boogie some more, tell all of our friends and then went home!!!

Just thought you would appreciate another crazy lesbian story to add to your archives.... this time you even know someoe that was involved... although not a crazy lesbian... I was at least there!!!!

Can't we all just learn to love one another? Then film it and put it on the internet.

3:49 pm  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

That's what Urotsokidoji was about?

11:14 am  
Blogger Fatman said...

Pretty much. Lot of demon rutting, a severed penis, more demon/ human rutting and a slight case of Armageddon and a lot of animated schoolgirls who go from prude to nymphomaniac in a heartbeat.

12:24 pm  
Blogger tom hall said...

the best lesbian scene (in mainstream cinema anyway) is in Mulholland Drive. Beautiful, tasteful, mouthful...and later on you get to listen to 'Crying' in spanish. Top movie man

12:52 am  
Blogger Fatman said...

Mulholland Drive was a brilliant flick. I was surprised that it did so well. Maybe it was the lesbian love story angle that got the public thinking 'I have absolutely no idea what is happening but it has GOT to be Art.'

The cowboy was my favourite guy.

11:04 am  

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