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Saturday, December 10, 2005

Bulletproof

'It’s a simple question, doctor: Would you eat the moon if it were made of (b.b.q.)ribs?'
Will Ferrell, from his SNL Best Of...dvd that I was watching moments before I fell asleep

Apparently, if you fashion a perfect ring of explosives and sit in the exact centre of this perfect circle you would be encased in a vacuum and therefore be absolutely safe. Everything had to be, I repeat, perfect. One screw up, one defective stick of dynamite would result in limbs travelling in different directions. Blood confetti. It's a trick that the Bolsheviks used on Russian noblemen who were scheduled by the State for an early meeting with God but they actually wanted to spare. I have read about this some time ago in a David Foster Wallace book 'Girl With Curious Hair' and my futile effort in searching through Google for some kind of confirmation have resulted in the inventor of dynamite, Perfect Circle the band, a novel by Sean Stewart, Euclidean geometry and that crappy Idaho-approved flick Napoleon Dynamite that makes me want to Rex-Kwan-Do anyone who mentions the film.

My drinking nights with Free Beer are kind of like that. There seems to be a whole lot of simultaneous chaos that leaves us unscarred, safe in the bosom of that perfect circle. We're kind of like Mr.Burns who has every single disease known to Man but thanks to the delicate balance of the "Three Stooges Syndrome" remain, if not healthy, alive. I don't know how we survive. Seat us next to a suicide bomber on a bus and we'll happily argue religion.

The night begins with us squeezing lime juice into each others eyes. It's about ten at night. We've both been drinking elsewhere and have decided to meet up at the Amethyst Bar because it's the only place we can remember when we're drunk. Three shots of Jagermeister later and I'm engaged to Piglet. Piglet- Irish, 22 years old, unlucky in love, neurotic, shop-a-holic Imelda Marcos, owner of rats, slept with/ sleeping with my friend Chris when they're speaking to each other- is currently desperate for residency and is facing deportation. Getting engaged is a necessity for survival. For her I'm a driftwood in the raging storm that is called Going Back To Potatoville. For me, she's a token person to ward off annoying questions from relatives and also a chance to have sitcom situations like in Spaced or first season Ned & Stacy. And I'm drunk so every girl looks good to me.

Free Beer and I change venues. We stumble into the Lustre Lounge. Ten minutes later I'm slapping an ex-con in the face. How it happened was this:

We're sitting next to this guy at the bar and we make conversation. How's your week been? we ask. 'Good,' grumbles the man, 'I got out of prison on Tuesday.' It is then that we notice the tear-shaped prison tattoo under his eye- a sign that he has killed someone while inside the joint. Did he use a fellow prisoner's innards to stuff his pillow? Did he shiv his cellmate for snoring? we ask in succession. He smiles and doesn't answer. For all we know he could have been warding off murderous thoughts all night- dark, scuttling things in the recesses of his brain- but he seemed alright. He spoke about his kids mainly and how happy he is to get to see them again.

It's tequila time.

It's chatreuse time.

It's more beers down our throats time.

He's having a genuine laugh with us now. 'You boys are alright!' he says, 'I wouldn't even hurt ya if you punched me in the face!'
'Why would we do that?' I belch.
'Just saying is all. C'mon- hit me.'
'Sure.' I slap him in the face.

In his mind my innards keep his pillow fluffy. My lifeless body emits no snore. And then he's back at the Lustre Lounge with idiots too stupid to kill. I slap him again. 'My shout this round.' I say, and we drink for a while longer.

Jai guru deva, om
Fatman

18 Comments:

Blogger Willie said...

I haven't heard from you lately Payday Loans. I have been very busy working with Cash Advance. We have been working on a project for Spy Software. We have all of our Payday Loans invested in it.

3:28 pm  
Blogger Fatman said...

Go to Hell Willie.

3:53 pm  
Blogger Webmaster said...

Haha nice story mate :-)

Glad you had a good time at Lustre Lounge -- I'm the resident DJ there (I only do private functions though). I wonder if I know this ex-con fellow :-o

Did you visit Lustre Lounge on NYE '06? It went off!!

Keep up the good work!

Luvvy
www.djluvvy.net

6:32 pm  
Blogger Fatman said...

Hey Webmaster! Yeah- Had a ball that night but I've only been back to Lustre about three times since then. I'm also good friends with Dee the stunt chick who works/ed there from time-to-time. Missed the New Years Party of '06 but then again I'm a busy bar guy myself so I haven't had a free New Years since....a while ago.

ps- Say 'Hi' to the ex-con if you see him. Then punch him. He likes that.

5:25 pm  
Blogger Webmaster said...

Yup Dee is a cool chick -- she still works there I think.

Will say 'Hi' to the ex-con, then punch and duck. Will let you know how it goes!

Luvvy

9:22 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There was a pro bodybuilder from Melbourne named Michael Reid who I think owns the Lustre Lounge. I will dig up a pic of him from the net.

8:35 pm  
Blogger Fatman said...

Dude, I think I know the guy. To look at anyway. I passed him a few times down Flinders Lane and thought he was security. Owner huh?

10:33 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Fatman...i don't need to find pics of this guy....some shlong from the UK has just today seen our posts and has asked the manager of lustre lounge, joel, for his contact details (see below link)...2 pics are there + message for joel. Fatman...this guy was BLOODY MASSIVE in his competition days!!!
http://marktown.mindsay.com/lustre_lounge_michael_reid.mws

6:01 pm  
Blogger Fatman said...

And my what a long and varied career Michael Reid has had! Doing my standard "research" which consists of Googling for two minutes I find that Michael Reid, ex-bodybuilder, owner of Lustre Lounge, used to be a Pastor of Peniel Pentecostal Church (opening church outlets in Holland and Belgium), an artist of some note, the Republican Representative in St.Louis, a mathmatician who received a PhD for his 'Investigations into GrossÕ Generalized Class Number Formula and the p-adic Stark Conjecture'. Which may explain his love of the Rubik's Cube.

12:03 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

FROM: SAGE B

Gees the Pastor of Peniles career sounds scary? What would his duty statement look like hey?

I have tracked this illusive Michael Reid article and pics by some UK journo Mark Town. The above link did bring up a letter from Mark without the photos however a more thorough Google search today revealed a link which houses both the article + photos:

http://marktown.mindsay.com/

2:04 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dudes, did he used to be the Doorman at Viper Room? Carol

5:28 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

He sure did. I worked with Michael for a few months at Viper. Excellent doorman. From what I remember he moved onto Whiskey Bar in Bourke Street which was an R&B club. What is he doing now? Does he have his own club? Sarah Goldberg.

5:18 pm  
Blogger Fatman said...

Anonymous Carol, Anonymous Sarah Goldberg et al, I will endeavour to track down Mr.Michael Reid and ask him how he is. Since I'm back in Melbourne these days it couldn't be too hard. I think he'll be chuffed to know so many people are asking about him.

2:05 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

he still lives in Melbourne. He's a friend of mine. Who needs to contact him and why? I could give him the heads up

7:59 pm  
Anonymous Jason said...

I went to Scotch College with Michael Reid and worked some bodyguard gigs with him in later years. Here is some video footage of his professional bodybuilding days. Cheers. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5lnHpHeT-iU

11:01 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jason the YouTube link you mention doesn't launch or may have changed or been removed? There is a YouTube link of Michael Reid competing at the 1996 Arnold Schwarzenegger Classic in Columbus, Ohio. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F7TrMQBihbM

10:34 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

obviously this aint no bodybuilding website but saw Michael Reid the bodybuilder and had a look to see what this was about. i remember Michael at Finlays Gym in the early 90s. i have never seen a more intense bodybuilder leading up to a big comp. he didn't seem to train all that hard in the off season from what i recall but exploded into action in the last 10 weeks and transformed a good beach body into a world class freaky physique. he used to train with an older guy who looked like something out of the Sopranos and gave dirty looks,,, maybe he just didn't like me, cant recall his name. whats Michael doing now?

8:57 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I knew Michael back when he was body building and working at veteran's affairs, as far as I know he's happily married and working in insurance in still in Melb. You couldn't come across a genuinely nicer person if you tried!

8:05 pm  

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