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Thursday, November 17, 2005

The Worm Hath Fouler Lips Than Thine

Day 15- I recently learnt that the newest member of our household, Meg, has nightmares on a daily basis. This, she explained, was the reason her 'morning face' has a slightly dishevelled look to it. The nightly bombardment she receives from her own subconsciousness does not make for a fitful sleep, though it does explain the blood-curdling howl that accompanies the alarm clocks in the morning. She told me that she had a dream that the town had been taken over by cannibals and in order to survive she had to pretend that she too was a cannibal. They forced her to join them in dining on the flesh of their victims. This is good stuff. I may be able to use my housemate's misfortune to come up will cool zombie ideas. Later that day I come up with a pretty ordinary top ten list. It resembles something even David Letterman would reject, even on a Monday.

Top Ten Signs That You May Be Dating a Zombie

1) Last Christmas you gave them your heart...but only because they wrenched it out of your chest cavity.

2) They play skipping rope with their own entrails.

3) When you pull their finger it sometimes snaps off. True, you may be dating a leper or an amputee with a prosthetic hand but then I'd....um....shit. There goes my 'Gives you a hand' joke as well.

4) When you tickle them in their putrified tummy it had the tendency to burst open because it is swarming with maggots.

5) On a date, they are just as likely to eat the waiter as they are the specials of the day.

6) Whenever someone mentions a deceased relative your girlfriend can remember what their bone marrow tasted like.

7) She shows off her autopsy scars when wearing a bikini.

8) She brings a jar of mustard to murder scenes.

9) Roadkill makes her stomach grumble.

10) You find brain matter on her toothbrush.

Day 16- "Roy", the owner of the bar I work at, is going on holidays on Sunday. This is his annual escape to a tropical island where he spends about a week preoccupied with worry about his venues and comes back more stressed than ever. As Murphy's laws would have it this is the week when everything does tend to go wrong. Sinks explode, locks break, brawls happen, windows smash, the toilets get backed up, a staff member will undergo spontaneous human combustion. It's real fun trying to preempt the disaster. Before he leaves however, he wants to have a brief chat with Yours Truly as to the direction he would like to take the Amethyst Bar when he gets back i.e. what kind of food we should have, drinks prices, which staff member needs to pull their socks up, which ones are getting the sack, etc. I have learnt in my various jobs that a sure sign that you may have to start updating your resume is when the boss starts referring about you in the past tense. He has not begun to do so with me....yet. All this has absolutely nothing to do with Slow Rot Boogie.

Hello Aunt Alicia,
Fatman

3 Comments:

Blogger piglet said...

Hello Fatman,Piglet here, I do hope if you know I should be updating my resume, you'll let me know!:)

Also I hope I didnt scar you with that lovely link of mine!:)hehe

1:35 pm  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Don't you already live on a tropical island?

1:34 am  
Blogger Fatman said...

Piglet- Now that you've started blogging you will find the cathartic joy of venting hatred on the world wide web. And posting links to porn sites. Yes- the link to a page displaying lots of male todger made me want to wash my eyes with salt and holy water. You've scared my little fella, who was happy dangling between my legs, oblivious to the competition out there. Now he's demanding a Swedish Penis Enlarger damn you!

Ash- Remind me to purchase a plane ticket to Canada so I can come over there and punch you. Tropical. Ffffffft.

11:37 am  

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