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Friday, January 20, 2006

Faux Pas

Time comes crashing to a halt. A light bulb explodes in the bathroom. Geese stop in mid-flight, screeches can be heard outside as cars swerve to miss each other and an elderly piano player keels over from a heart attack. The Mona Lisa remains motionless, an odd smile on her lips. Other conversations around the bar ('...and that was the second time I caught my scrotum in a mousetrap.') end suddenly. The group around me are staring at Yours Truly with varying degrees of disgust melded into their faces, as if I'd unleashed a particularly grotesque fart onto the world. 'What?' I ask. Then I farted.

The mood had been fairly cheerful until just moments before. I had wandered into Three Degrees, a bar around the corner, for an afterwork drink (or eight) and was spotted by Dave the barman who had also knocked off and bid me over. I was introduced to his group of friends ( their names were forgotten almost instantly) and we started chatting as one big happy group. Conversation veered, as it so often does, to bad jokes and I told one told to me by Matt: 'A guy goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he might purchase birth-control pills for his wife and seven-year old daughter. The pharmacist is bewildered and says "Are you honestly telling me that your SEVEN-YEAR OLD DAUGHTER is already sexually active?" To which the guy replies, "Not really...she just sort of lies there."'

Dave and co splutter, aghast. 'That's freakin' horrible!' manages Dave, cringing somewhat. Taking my cue I apologise offhandedly and mentally tick off a box- Do not tell Dave and his friends paedophilia jokes. I'm glad I didn't use my 'A' material.

My core group of my friends, the ones that I feel absolutely comfortable jokes-wise, tell horrendous jokes as a matter-of-course. Someone tells a joke about a dead hooker, the next will tell one about a dying baby. Oh yeah? says another, I'll see your one dead baby and raise you twenty dead babies. In a blender. The jokes come thick and fast- the Holocaust, suicides, rape and murder. Kidnapping, mutilation, accidentally sleeping with people of the same gender/ has an incurable disease. Race, religion, sex, creed, nothing is sacred, no one is spared. Not the crippled, the abused, the tortured, the Good, the Bad, the Ugly, the Indifferent. All suffer a tragic fate sealed by a cruel punchline- a harsh finality that leads to laughter. Or makes you a social pariah.

Personally I love all my brothers and sisters on the planet. I believe in equality for all, want us to evolve as one united race, blah, blah, blah. Just for the record.

Pausing for laughter


Blogger Fatman said...

Just a couple of things- The "second time I caught my scrotum in a mousetrap" comment actually comes from an article called Mousetrap Prat in the aptly named British Balls magazine, in the issue with Kate Beckinsdale in a sexy nurses outfit on the front cover:

A mentally-challenged pub manager was rushed to hospital, after trapping his gonads in a mouse trap for a second time. Gary Telford first had the accident when he was 14, when a schoolboy "prank" went wrong, and had 14 stitches applied to his nether regions.
Obviously awash with pride at his illustrious scar, Telford decided to show regulars at the Railway Pub in Ipswich Suffolk what had happened, but tripped and fell onto the demonstration mouse trap with his manhood out.
Dope-headed Gary commented: "I was quite drunk so I undid my flies and walked over to the trap. I really didn't mean to set the trap off again but I stumbled and it went. I must be the only bloke in Britain to have caught my bits in a mousetrap not once but twice. Luckily I only nipped the end of my privates but I still had tro go to casualty for a tetanus injection."

Poor, dumb bastard.

And just a minor correction...the joke that Matt actually told me was the one where an eight-year old girl comes back home several hours late from school her dress ripped, blood and possibly other liquids on her and she looks like she had been crying for some time. "What happened?" asks her father, a little peeved that she is back home so late. "I....I....I...there was this man...this man outside of our school."
"Go on,' says Dad, curious.
"Th....then this man...this man said he had some puppies at his h..home...so I followed him to his home."
"Then what happened?" asks her father with more intensity.
"But...this man...he...he didn't have any p..puppies,"says the girl between sobs.
"What happened next? You HAVE to tell me!'
'I...I...I..don't...remember. I don't remember," says the girl at which point she opens her eyes and sees her father m-sturbating furiously as he shouts "WELL JUST FUCKING MAKE SOMETHING UP!!!!"

Matt did give me a site full of awful jokes to look up where the pharmacist joke was.

2:48 am  
Blogger Gaijin Girl said...


I stand by my statement that you're the funniest guy on the internet.

3:29 pm  
Blogger Fatman said...

Except for Ash.

3:36 pm  
Anonymous broadzilla said...

Y'know, fatman - I was beginning to wonder if you were the same animal sex/dead babies guy who pops up on the 'shrine ever so often - you appear so polite and articulate on your own turf. Thanks for clearing that up, heheh.

11:56 pm  
Blogger Fatman said...

Broadzilla- Am I that polite and articulate? I tend to use cuss words on a regular basis since I come from a long line of radio shock jocks (since back in the 1600's) and we tend to talk that way to make a point. The more swear words the better in fact.

1:46 pm  
Anonymous broadzilla said...

Crikey! I'm appalled to hear that, Fatman.

But, as my mom keeps pointing out, I have the limited (albeit trilingual) vocabulary of a sailor on shore-leave and a mind to match, so to be honest, I hadn't really noticed. The animal and baby jokes do stand out a bit more, though.

11:39 pm  
Blogger David Wester said...

People are so fucking stupid. You know what gets them worse than pedophelia jokes? Abortion jokes. Yeesh. You'd think the kid had been birthed or something.

3:51 am  
Blogger Fatman said...

Broadzilla- Trilingual vocabulary of a sailor on shore leave? That's freakin' hilarious. Teach me some phrases (ie 'Yaaarghhh. Ye think I'll get a refund for this dead hooker at the brothel?') Hang on. That's a pirate on shore leave.

David- The funniest abortion comment I read was in a Will Type For Food link to a John Birmingham article quoting Sarah Silverman (Is everyone still with me? I could have easily said it's a Sarah Silverman quote and left it at that but I just want credit to be distributed correctly) :"I want to get an abortion, but my boyfriend and I are having trouble conceiving"

12:05 pm  
Anonymous broadzilla said...

Ok, Fatman - here's a personal favourite that helpfully covers both pirates (well, it could, sort of) and family members, and is still polite enough for me to cling to the vestiges of the genteel and ladylike image I've tried so hard to fake... erm, cultivate:

jou ma swem uit na verbygaande skepe or, your mom swims out to passing ships.

7:50 pm  
Blogger Fatman said...

Broadzilla- I have never for a moment doubted your genteel and ladylike manner (Ha ha ha. No- I've just had to stop typing for ten minutes because I was laughing so hard but I'm back now and my hands aren't shaking as much.)

That's a really cool phrase and since my mum exports seafood she actually DOES swim out to passing ships. For fish you understand. Strictly for fish.

10:16 am  
Anonymous broadzilla said...

Hey, that's what my mom says, too! Which is odd, 'coz she doesn't have anything to do with the seafood industry...

7:05 pm  

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