fatman Find the clues!

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Borsch, Vodka and Porn

Four days in to the new year and I awake from a dream where I'm trying to learn Russian through cheap Siberian porn and later (in the dream) I'm involved in a nasty trampoline accident. There's also a vague recollection of talking rhinoceri*. The trampoline thing is a recurring nightmare that can be ascribed to eating too much brie before going to bed. The 'learning Russian through pornography' portion of the dream definitely pertains to the (hopefully) upcoming Trans-Siberian railway journey. On waking up I realise how useless phrases such as;

-My left testicle likes you too
-Ooh, aah
-Do me on the conveyor belt
-Is that a Kalashnikov in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
-Harder! Harder!
-Of course you can bring your sister(s)
-A gymnast for the Olympic team you say?
-Bondage gear makes my skin chafe
-I think I dislocated my shoulder while making sex with your auntie.

are. But I'm fully up now and realize that phrases learnt from grainy Siberian sex videos will only get me so far in Russia and only in certain situations.

Cunning linguist (boy that joke's past the use-by date)
Fatman





*From the Online Etymology Dictionary:

rhinoceros
c.1300, from L. rhinoceros, from Gk. rhinokeros, from rhinos "nose" (a word of unknown origin) + keras "horn." Shortened form rhino is first attested 1884.
"What is the plural of rhinoceros?
... Well, Liddell and Scott seem to authorize 'rhinocerotes,' which is pedantic, but 'rhinoceroses' is not euphonious." [Sir Charles Eliot, "The East Africa Protectorate," 1905]

7 Comments:

Blogger Miss Kimberly said...

wow....your blog actually made me laugh. alot! kudos

11:11 am  
Blogger Fatman said...

Cheers Kimberly [A]! I've only just posted the sucker so I'm still fudging around with the links. Check out the cheese link to see what the British Cheese Board reckon what type of fromage induces the really cool dreams.

11:20 am  
Anonymous broadzilla said...

On an entirely unrelated tip: did you ever get round to completing your Zombie novel, Fatman?

This reminded me of it for some unfathomable reason:
http://viceland.com/issues/v12n10/htdocs/game.php

9:18 pm  
Blogger Fatman said...

Ah.....the zombie novella. How far did I get on that piece of festering horse manure? 14 days? Something like that. The word count was waaaaaaaaaay down as well. Broadzilla, I truly admire people who can write every day. Not only write but write well. I am not one of those people. Believe it or not, when I do knuckle down and start writing things I like to get facts right, phrases to be coherent and characters with....I don't know...a certain amount of soul. They have to be believable and also interesting. Having a one month deadline meant that the story resembled a series of bad skits tacked together. In the end, it's something I may come back to one day.

Re: The Vice zombie game. I'll give that a go when I get a proper computer- thanks for the heads up.

2:10 am  
Anonymous broadzilla said...

I know what you mean - still, 14 days - that's pretty impressive. Graham Greene, if memory serves, reputedly wrote exactly 500 words, in a tiny cramped script, in a little notebook every morning. When he'd reached the required word count (calculated by some mysterious internal formula) he'd stop immediately - sometimes in mid-sentence - and spend the rest of the day mucking about on yachts and drinking Mint Juleps. Ok, I might have made-up the bit about the Juleps, but I've always thought that was an enviable routine.

And hey, at least you've made a start - which is more than I can say for my lazy-assed self.

See you over at Ash's.

7:50 pm  
Blogger Gaijin Girl said...

Hi Fatman. Hope you make the Trans-Sib trip so I can read about it. I have to delay mine as I have to go back to Melb for a few weeks in June and that trip will use up my Russia funds. Bugger it!

12:29 pm  
Blogger Fatman said...

I plan to be hideously drunk for the entire voyage then plagarize Paul Therox and call it a "Fatman adventure". Should retail for about $19.90 (Australian pesos).



p.s. Haven't bought tickets yet. The chickens ain't hatched Gaijin Girl




p.p.s. Do they even allow computers in Russia?





p.p.s. Apologies for the above ignorant, xenophobic, Reds-under-the-Bed comment.

4:41 pm  

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