fatman Find the clues!

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Don't Wear Orange On St.Patrick's Day

My mother found Billy's kidney in a container filled with ice while tidying up my bedroom during spring cleaning. I would have been about seven or eight years old at this time. When she asked me, point blank, if I had been performing backyard nephrectomy I could only mumble at my feet (such was my shame at being caught) a weak reply about how Billy traded me his kidney for a Star Wars toy he had wanted all during the school holidays. 'How many times have I told you that you just aren't qualified for Laparoscopic surgery?' she said angrily (This was years before Doogie Howser, M.D. was on the air). I knew she was really mad at me this time.
'But muuuuum...' I started whining but she cut me off with her look.
'Hand me over the scalpel and the laporoscope. We shall talk about your punishment later,' she said frostily as she took away my instruments (and Billy's kidney), 'I am VERY disappointed in you today. Why can't you get a normal job like a normal child?'

The fact of the matter was my mother had always hoped that I'd eventually grow out of my selfish ways. My kleptomania was becoming problematic (I had held up several banks in what the newspapers were calling a "spree"), my ADHD was a little out-of-control (after setting fire to that transient, Will-work-for-food guy) and my forgery ring was drawing unwanted attention from the Feds due to minor spelling errors. Unfortunately I come from a long line of con men, hustlers, petty criminals and pool sharks who found this sort of behaviour natural and so I never saw my acts to be a bad thing. Guess Ma just wanted me to break the cycle. So as she took away my belongings I just made a pathetic, left-handed oath to her that I would do no evil.

Anyway, recently I've been watching a lot of My Name is Earl-that Jason Lee comedy series where a ne'er-do-well wins $100,000 and decides to spend his time righting the wrongs of his past. It's a cool show. I like the bumbling attempts of Lee and his idiotic brother restoring the Karmic balance in the world and it made me want to do a grand gesture to wipe the slate clean of my crimes.

'I'd like,' I say to Housemate Darren during the episode where Earl decides to repay all the beer he stole from a golfer, 'to right all the wrongs I've ever done in one gigantic, clumsy gesture.'
'Well, if you're thinking about cloning Jesus to help out all the sick people out in the world and to finally settle the debate on which is the One True branch of Christianity then I think you're absolutely crazy.' says Darren.
'That wasn't what you were planning on was it?'
'It is now! Brilliant! Cloning Jesus. That's the second stupidest thing I've heard today.'

And so the Gates of Hell were opened,


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