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Tuesday, June 13, 2006

More On The Morons

The new 50's era "Monster Movie" template for Fat Ramblings has generated a fair amount of responses from my friends, most of them along the lines of: "It's really hard to read the writing because of the black background." and "Who the f-ck are those people running around in the picture?". When I first pitched the idea to Darren I just said I wanted a motley crew of people running for their lives from LEVIATHAN. About ten minutes later I came back with a list of characters I specifically wanted (a safari guy, a sinister secret agent-type, Gandhi, etc.) and left it at that for a while but I've since come up with a bit of a back story for each character. And here it is:

(In the Background, destroying things)

JC 271-LEVIATHAN: A cursed creature, LEVIATHAN is the result of a dark experiment that involved cross-splicing mutating sea creature genes with the (alleged) DNA of Jesus Christ himself. His mind is now filled with eternal rage at humans and he will stop at nothing until the world is rid of them. The clumsy scientists that created him are blaming the interns for the whole mess.

(Foreground. From left to right)

Mary-Anne Lubbick: Poor Mary-Anne. Having moved out of the country to avoid a lifetime of milking cows, Mary-Anne came into the city to get a job in journalism. But money has been a bit tight recently and since none of the newspapers have called her back she got herself a secretarial job at the Klaatu Corporation a fortnight ago. Cue: Gigantic monster! As terrifying as the situation is, this just might be the thing she needs to kick start her career in the papers.

"Bob": Usually at this time of the year "Bob" resides in Dobbstown but he just happened to be passing by when chaos struck. While the rest of the city is crazed with fear "Bob" still retains a smile on his face, possibly amused by the ridiculousness of the whole situation.

Secret Agent Guy: (name withheld) has been to (classified) City to have a secret meeting with some subliminal advertising executives to help launch a new brand of cola. But just ten minutes before the meeting was about to commence he was informed that there will be a cancellation due to a whoppingly big sea creature devouring most of the downtown area. The secret agent makes another phone call and says the words, "Cuidado: Piso Mojado," before hanging up.

Chef Pasquale: A notable alumni from the Parisian Cordon Bleu school, Chef Pasquale has expanded his culinary arts (not to mention his enormous gut) by travelling across the globe and learning various dishes from Japan, Thailand, Peru, Germany and New York. However, three cookbooks and a cooking show later, he still can't seem to beat his chief rival, Cornwall Mackintosh, in the soup category at the Annual Lobster Cook-Off they hold every year in his home town. This year he plans to include a "special ingredient" in his Lobster Bisque....but getting this could prove to be at a deadly cost.

Col. Carlton F. Winterblood (Retired): A flatulent ex-army Colonel who has nothing but time on his hands after his retirement three year ago. Ever the expert marksman, he has been hunting all kinds of Big Game in Darkest Africa (including the extremely rare Albino Lion) and is now looking for a new challenge. He is also extremely allergic to carrot-flavoured cookies.

Veronika Fetale: a one-eyed seductress and a saucy minx to boot, Veronika has a nasty habit of playing men against each other for kicks. She also has a shaved pussy.

Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948): Noted Indian pacifist, vegetarian and Hindu. What Gandhi is doing in this city several years after his death is baffling authorities. And what is this non-violent protester doing with a case full of C2 explosives and a Panzerfaust (German anti-tank weapon)?

ZLK-33: The latest invention from deranged inventor Dr Zachary Ka-Boom. Programmed to feel fear, ZLK-33 is currently trying not to be destroyed by a gigantic Christ-based monstrosity.

Raymond Corpse: It seems that the horrible black ichor that oozes out of LEVIATHAN's tentacles has certain regenerative qualities. Which is a bit of a bonus for amateur golf enthusiast Raymond who died during the monster's attack. Unfortunately he will have to roam the planet as a rotting, undead creature.

Gillie: Life's been pretty boring at the Black Lagoon lately so Gillie decided to trek into big city to make some friends and maybe meet some ladies. What he didn't count on was his ill-tempered cousin (of sorts) was doing a bit of creative demolishing.

Monkeys, an Infinite amount of: I asked Darren if it was possible to have an infinite amount of monkeys with typewriters in the picture. He said that the whole template would be covered with monkeys and I wouldn't be able to see anything except monkeys. I said, Fine, make it three or four then.

All Guts, No Glory,


Blogger Yawn said...

It's like you read my mind on some of those folks. Mary-anne and secret agency guy especially.

8:26 am  
Blogger Fatman said...

Or perhaps Yawning Anus implanted images into my mind and made me think it was my own.

11:06 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have to admit, my first reaction upon seeing the new website was that I'd stumbled upon some portal for animated Russian porn. You can therefore imagine my disappointment when I found out that it was simply Fatramblings with a facelift. But unlike those boys from Queereye or Operation Extreme Home Improvement or Pimp My Hole, you actually managed to do a decent job, so congratulations to you.

My only quibble is that, in the new layout, JC Leviathan is clearly marketed as a central figure, the star of the blogg if you will. Clearly this is misleading as it's been, I believe, at least 6 months to a year since we last heard anything about poor old JC, aside from the odd empty promise that "another chapter is in the works". Such diversionary tactics will not work forever.

Need I remind you that an estimated 75,000 new bloggs are created daily? Okay, so 74,500 of them are by whinging teens and wannabe internet celebs, but there's still some stiff competition out there, Fatman, and the chickens are getting restless.

Stiff, I say.
(BBJCA for short, or BJC for even shorter)

5:54 pm  
Anonymous Hamish said...

Is Gillie wearing some sort of knockoff Michael Jordan jersey? Maybe that was cool back in the lagoon, but that sure won't get you any ass in the city.

6:57 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

random surrealism generator....only thing that now shits me about the page, so i guess thats a compliment.

7:43 am  
Blogger Fatman said...

Bring Back JC Anon- The JC LEVIATHAN on the template was about all I had for his resurrection really. I offered Broadzilla a shot at ghost writing for me but we couldn't agree on the price.

Hamish- Gillie's anchovy-breath will prove more of a problem than his '23' jersey. And girls may not like the fact he has crabs.

Anonymous (Is this BBJC or another anonymous?)- You don't like the Random Surrealism Generator? Man- I dig it! When I get bored of it I'll either put it to the bottom of the screen or delete it but for now it's keeping me amused.

3:58 pm  
Anonymous broadzilla said...

I don't get out of bed for less than a buck-fifty.

1:52 am  

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