fatman Find the clues!

Monday, May 15, 2006

The Non-Adventures Of Casanova

Though some of my friends can't seem to board a plane without being dragged into a toilet cubicle by females to exchange bodily fluids at high-subsonic speeds thousands of miles up in the air (to the horror and revulsion of the cabin crew) I have been enjoying the misery of celibacy for months. I'd like to say that this is because I'm picky but seriously, if they can remember my name and don't keep disembodied door-to-door salesmen parts in the freezer, then they're OK by me.

A while ago, around the same time I was shovelling dirt on the coffin lid marked "Fatman Having A Relationship", Kire the security guard at the bar tells me that a young blonde girl was asking about me. 'Yeah, she's been coming around every few weeks now.'
What the Hell? What have I been doing while young blonde girls have been lining up at the bar just to see me? Experimenting with intoxicated monkeys that's what.

I ask Amy the day bartender if she knows who this mystery woman is. 'I know who you're talking about. She had her 21st here a few months ago. The one wearing the green dress. She's not the only one you know. There are a few others who drop in to see where you are.'
'What are they like? Lobotomy scars? Police hot on their tails?'
'Not all of them.'

Hm. It seems that while I spend my lonely nights at home masturbating to Veronica Mars episodes a succession of girls have been chasing me. 'You are soooooo oblivious,' continues Amy,' I've seen girls throw themselves at you but you never notice them[1].'

I guess I'm a bit like the coyote in the Road Runner cartoons. It's the chase that interests me. Armed with all sorts of crazy devices (that will ultimately malfunction when I need 'em the most) I chase this elusive pray across the country. But what happens when the bird suddenly stops running? How do I react then?

The guy with a girth defect,

Horny Female Patron: I shaved my pussy for you.
Me: You gave your cat a haircut?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe you could mix your dna with that of some modern day Cassanova then study the resulting clone's moves and put them into practice yourself?

Give us something.... anything.....

10:45 pm  
Anonymous broadzilla said...

Jesus, Fatman. I've been throwing myself at you for months.

5:46 am  
Blogger Yawn said...

Why not try the Boomhauer method to raise your stats a little? Who cares if your stock goes down with these hotties allegedly throwing themselves at you? It'll either 1) flat out get you to 10% success or 2) teach them to throw themselves harder.

I seen this thing in a "truck stop". It looked like a bong with an opening, but had a latex liner on the inside that vibrated when you flipped a switch. The salesman said it "eliminated the need for the right hand."

Just a heads up FYI type thingy there.

6:22 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

amy's right.

even i've seen chicks have a crack at you. then you do that whole toddle like a doll with a curved bottom thing and make some funny (to you, not so much to them) comment.

then you always go off to pour drinks/serve next customer/whatever it is you do/ and the chick is left standing there with a look of 'was that a yes or a no?' on her face.

thats how you spell kire?
thanks for a great night. i dunno how everyone else went, but i had a ball. can't believe i handed you back a half empty drink card!
so have you seen green dress girl again?

1:37 pm  
Blogger Fatman said...

Anonymous #1 (a.k.a. "Bring Back JC!" Anonymous)- You are in for a friggin' treat my friend. There is going to be a JC Resurrection in the next week or two (...but not what you will excpect)

Broadzilla- You floozy!First Ash and now me! Isn't one man enough to sate your carnal appetites?

Yawn- Sounds tempting. I have recently lost my right hand while wrestling a lion so this "Boomhauer method" might just do the trick. Does the salesman accept payments in buckets of shrimp (the unofficial Australian currency)?

Anonymous #2 (a.k.a. "Birthday Girl" Anonymous)- If I see a comedic opening I'll take it. That's just the kind of guy I am. Also when I'm clocked on, I'm clocked on. I'm there to pour drinks not oggle at women. I do that after hours. At the bus stop.

4:36 pm  
Anonymous Hamish said...

Girth defect, awesome. I heard another good one recently, referring to a girl's lower back tattoo as a "tramp stamp."

By the way, enough with the potential womanizing and near brawling. Let your inner Russell Crowe out.

7:03 pm  
Anonymous broadzilla said...

Fatman: no.

10:29 pm  
Blogger Fatman said...

Thanks Hamish. The Fatman outros sometimes takes a lot longer to think of than the entire blog itself.

Broadzilla- It would never work between us. Our hectic schedule, the warrant out on your arrest, my habit of strangling every woman I sleep with and dumping their bodies in a river. Not to mention the sheer cost of a long distance relationship! I live in Australia, you live in Africa....or somewhere like that.

6:02 pm  
Blogger Fatman said...

BTW- What's the deal with Jerk's insistence on getting you pic? I thought the internet was meant for people who don't like to be seen.

6:12 pm  
Anonymous broadzilla said...

Alas, Fatman. So near, yet so far...
Still, we'll always have the internet.

(Jerk's just doing that to annoy me. Either that, or he actually is a Grade-A psycho hell-bent on tracking me down. I.)

6:40 pm  
Blogger Yawn said...

"toddle like a doll with a curved bottom thing"- what the hell does that mean??? Weirdo Australian jabber 'tis, 'tis.

And "tramp stamp." I like that one...I'll have to use it in reference to the next butterfly, Aztec or otherwise sun I see blazing 'bove the buttocks.

12:53 am  
Blogger Gorilla Bananas said...

If sumo wrestlers can get the most desirable females, so can you. All you have to do is:

(1) allow women to straddle you to avoid crushing them;

(2) become a multi-millionaire.

8:40 pm  
Blogger Fatman said...

Broadzilla- (Don't take this the wrong way but...) Based solely on your name I'd always imagined that you'd be slightly reptillian in appearance.

Yawn- Jeremy Grey (Vince Vaughn): Tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bullseye.
-From The Wedding Crashers

Gorilla Bananas- My grandpa warned me against taking advice from talking apes (he was consuming a lot of mezcal and peyote at the time) but I cannot fault the logic of the "become a multi-millionare" call.

12:36 pm  
Anonymous broadzilla said...

Exactly. I like long walks on the beach, incinerating extraterrestrial foe with my fiery breath, crushing cities underfoot and... laying eggs. I would have thought that much was obvious. Obvious to everyone except Jerk, apparently.

(I can't believe you turned me down, Fats. On the Internet. The Internet! That's pretty cold. People will be faxing me their rejection forms next.)

11:29 pm  
Anonymous the sneering (homo-phobic) snob said...

ash karreau has banned me from the 16mm shrine because i was much funnier and wittier than him, hes such a bad loser.

8:30 am  
Anonymous ash karreau said...

i banned you from the 16mm shrine because you were becoming a murderous embarressment to me and all of my contributors you bloody ludicrous oaf.

12:11 pm  
Anonymous broadzilla said...

hey ash, i think you`re being a bit harsh with "the sneering (homo-phobic) snob", i thought quite a few of his comments were absolutely hilarious.

8:28 am  
Anonymous fatman said...

agreed, especially his obsession with heather o`rourke, i thought that was rather charming.

8:32 am  
Anonymous batturtle said...

yeah ash, it was really petty of you to throw "the sneering (homo-phobic) snob" off of our site, he was the best thing that ever happened to the 16mm shrine.

8:38 am  
Anonymous ash karreau said...

shut-up, all of you, "the sneering (homo-phobic) snob" will never be allowed back on the 16mm shrine again, no matter how funny, brilliant, and hilarious he was, and thats my final word on the matter.

8:45 am  
Anonymous yawn said...

who gives a fuck about some pathetic idiotic petty vendetta between ash karreau and the sneering (homo-phobic) snob. Now would you please stop polluting this section with your bullshit !!!.

7:27 am  
Anonymous fatman said...

hey yawn wait a minute, anybody is free to leave a comment here, no matter what the subject and no matter how ludicrously inconsequencial, alright, now get down off your high horse you ludicrous snob.

7:43 am  

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