2 Fat 2 Furious

On Channel 9, Tuesday, there is to be a 'National Driving License Test' much like the I.Q. test that we had last year. While I didn't partake in that event hosted by Cat Roundtree and the omniprescent Eddie Everywhere, I was told that many of the viewers felt a lot dumber than when they woke up that morning. While I realise some of you out there are overseas and will not glance at the show and some who would not watch some mind-numbingly boring show, it begs the question; What kind of a driver am I? By that I don't mean me, but you.

The Playstation Geek: (eg. Micah J.McLean) All you know about driving is the stuff you picked up whilst playing Grand Theft Auto. All the road rules you know are American, you tend to fiddle around with the radio without looking at the road and when being chased by police you look around the dashboard for a 'reset' button.

I just knew I could find parking

The Kind and Caring Driver: (eg. Pollard El Cheeso) You obey all road rules, know that to 'drink and drive' makes you a bloody idiot and help people move on Sundays even when you don't want to. Unfortunately, people tend to be selfish and think you are some sort of a taxi service to be called upon everytime they want to lug a fridge from one end of the Melways to another. Oh, and this is completely non-driving related but a conversation worth repeating to everyone I know 'cos it was funny at the time.
Pols: Yeah, I'm thinking about going overseas maybe. France or...Wisconsin.
Me: Wisconsin?
Pols: Wisconsin. The American Mid-West.
Me: Why? Witness relocation program?
Pols: Nah man. There's a lot of cows in Wisconsin.
(Pols is like the maestro of the dairy industry, currently gainfully employed too.)
Me: Boy Howdy! Sure are a lot of cows in Wisconsin.

The Careless Driver. (eg. Matt Sanger) You 'borrow' vehicles from 'friends' and drive down the backroads of Prahan the wrong way in the early hours of the morning. Road rules are kind of like suggestions to you, rather than strict rules enforced by people who can shoot to kill in extreme circumstances.

The Jenkins. (eg....Jenks) You can drive hungover at high speeds seemingly oblivious to other cars and pedestrians, slowing down only to open another bottle of beer or to yell abuse at other drivers- many of them cabbies.

The Minnie Driver. (eg the horribly unfunny Fatman) You tend to fail anything you try in life- driving tests being just one of those things. The only way you get anything done is when there is enough alchohol in your system to stun a baby ox,when your long lost animal instinct kicks in. You tend to swerve from lane to lane when changing radio stations.

Should you be driving home tonight,
Fatman