fatman Find the clues!

Monday, May 31, 2004

We all ask stupid questions

Thought for the Day with Fatman.

Let's just make a few things clear. I work in a bar. The absolute 'highest' you can go in my 'profession'- I'm talking THE pinnacle here, is the ability to throw bottles up in the air....and catch them.
That's it.
The truly gifted amongst us can tell patrons which particular branch of French monks brewed what in _____ A.D. or what liquors can be used to fuel commercial airliners but more or less the bottle juggling thing is it. So when I do get stupid questions it is not necessarily because the people asking them are inferior to me (although I may treat them as such. Poor people skills). However there are other occupations that positively lend themselves to a clientele who have seemingly climbed over the walls of an asylum earlier that day.

For instance, my friend Steve who works at a second-hand bookstore got a middle aged couple who approached him. The lady asks him 'Do you have the Book of Shadows? I mean (leaning in) the one that's bound in human skin?' To which the husband replied 'Don't be so stupid. And even if they did it'd be at least $20.'

Though, I am sure that some of these questions are sensible ones disguised as stupid ones. This was heard at a bakery; 'If I freeze this loaf of bread, will it disrupt the chi?' Huh? Hippies.

The spin off to these moronic customer interactions are the seemingly unnecessary warning labels. Here are some that were floating around the internet for some time and reprinted in e-tales:

Not to be used as protection for a tornado

BOTTOM OF COCA-COLA (in some countries)
Open other end

Warning: May cause drowsiness (I friggin' hope so)

Warning: Contains nuts

Instructions- Open packet, Eat nuts.

(and speaking of nuts)
Do not attempt to stop chain with hands or genitals.

Christ almighty. I mean, everyone knows my penchant for holding my nads near spinning metal blades but that's ridiculous...

Doctor: Ah, Mr. Heazlewood, Thursday already?
Me: (weakly) ...yeah. another thursday, another chainsaw-related genital disfigurement.

Not that a testicle mangling would affect my life too much these days. Isn't it pitiful when your average 13-year old school kid from Greensborough has a more active sex life than you do. Anyway... let us think before we ask the next question is all I'm saying. Then we shall rid the world of at least a little bit of frustration.

Dumb and Dumber,


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