fatman Find the clues!

Monday, May 31, 2004

We all ask stupid questions

Thought for the Day with Fatman.

Let's just make a few things clear. I work in a bar. The absolute 'highest' you can go in my 'profession'- I'm talking THE pinnacle here, is the ability to throw bottles up in the air....and catch them.
That's it.
The truly gifted amongst us can tell patrons which particular branch of French monks brewed what in _____ A.D. or what liquors can be used to fuel commercial airliners but more or less the bottle juggling thing is it. So when I do get stupid questions it is not necessarily because the people asking them are inferior to me (although I may treat them as such. Poor people skills). However there are other occupations that positively lend themselves to a clientele who have seemingly climbed over the walls of an asylum earlier that day.

For instance, my friend Steve who works at a second-hand bookstore got a middle aged couple who approached him. The lady asks him 'Do you have the Book of Shadows? I mean (leaning in) the one that's bound in human skin?' To which the husband replied 'Don't be so stupid. And even if they did it'd be at least $20.'

Though, I am sure that some of these questions are sensible ones disguised as stupid ones. This was heard at a bakery; 'If I freeze this loaf of bread, will it disrupt the chi?' Huh? Hippies.

The spin off to these moronic customer interactions are the seemingly unnecessary warning labels. Here are some that were floating around the internet for some time and reprinted in e-tales:

Not to be used as protection for a tornado

BOTTOM OF COCA-COLA (in some countries)
Open other end

Warning: May cause drowsiness (I friggin' hope so)

Warning: Contains nuts

Instructions- Open packet, Eat nuts.

(and speaking of nuts)
Do not attempt to stop chain with hands or genitals.

Christ almighty. I mean, everyone knows my penchant for holding my nads near spinning metal blades but that's ridiculous...

Doctor: Ah, Mr. Heazlewood, Thursday already?
Me: (weakly) ...yeah. another thursday, another chainsaw-related genital disfigurement.

Not that a testicle mangling would affect my life too much these days. Isn't it pitiful when your average 13-year old school kid from Greensborough has a more active sex life than you do. Anyway... let us think before we ask the next question is all I'm saying. Then we shall rid the world of at least a little bit of frustration.

Dumb and Dumber,

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Straight to Plan B

The first thing I do most mornings is revise my ever-growing hate list. Well, not THE first thing. That requires a large tub of yoghurt and a poster of Sarah Michelle Gellar....but I digress. Edging closer and closer to the top of the list is the swarm of insects that have invaded my home of the last six years, the Amethyst.

Now I've tried a variety of methods to kill all the bar flies...I do not mean the regulars. Although it would be awfully tempting to blow the heads off certain recurring nightmares called patrons, ie. the Jesus Freak, guys who don't know how to order a simple drink, chicks who always yammer on before they order and get annoyed when you move away, etc, etc. Frontier-style, shotgun justice would not sit well with the courts and may hinder me from getting another job outside of a war zone.

Where the Hell are the insects coming from? I've tried swatting them, poisoning them, taunting them, joining them. No avail. Every morning there are more and more, sipping Mortein cocktails from their little bug glasses. Screw that.

Plan A (slowly remove annoyance), out of the window, on to Plan B- Kill Everything. "Bernie", the cleaner/ handyman/ electrician, has mentioned an insecticide that makes over-the-counter ones seem like air freshener. ' A friend of mine has about a gallon of it left,' he tells me' but we have to use it quick. It's eating away at the container.' This extremely illegal, black market insecticide is apparently all that remains of when the French did some nuclear testing in the 90's off islands no one could care less about except the bunch of people who lived in that region of the Pacific.

Well my pretties. It's time to enjoy your last days of nesting in the red lanterns at my bar. I won't be at Ground Zero when we detonate the X-bomb myself, Lou will have rigged up some remote operated switch by now. The Countdown begins....


Friday, May 07, 2004

Not ANOTHER Fat Blog

(Downloaded from my brain to your Hearts)

Believe me when I say this; There Is Nothing Happening In My Life Right Now. I have been accosted on the streets of Melbourne in the last few weeks by people on my address book for not sending my shennigans frequently enough. I have been spat on, cussed at, given a wedgie and repetedly kicked in the groin for not writing. These Fat-a-grams are not weekly pieces. The only guys who write back to me, incidentally, are the Message Delivery Failure people who without fail correspond to every outgoing e-mail. So this one goes out to you.

Top 10 Reasons I Haven't Written an E-mail for a while:

1. I'd rather stare at the rotting, putrid flesh of the babes on zombiepinup.com. (an actual site)

2. This is pathetic. I can't think of anything past number 2.

3. Hey, did I forward that e-mail where there's a list and there is no number 9? Ha ha. That was funny. Maybe I should do THAT. Then I'd only have to think of six more things.

4. Getting off the topic briefly, but I found out that there exists a Klingon Bible. Who would actually translate the Bible into a dialect spoken only by the very few at sci-fi conventions? Who would read these tomes? Trekkie Christians?

5. I went to see Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind. Cool flick. Written by Mr. Charles Kaufman, one of the only celebrity scriptwriters who has edged into our consciousness with hits like Being John Malkovitch and Adaptation. Despite having Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet it is a mature film dealing with love, loss, chilhood and the choices we make. Jim Carrey plays a guy who has discovered the love of his life (Winslet) has undergone surgery to erase him from her mind. Seeing that he too is suffering from incredible heartbreak, he undergoes the same procedure. It is here when the film kicks in. Thumbs up.

6. I took the Lovemobile (a.k.a. my Barina) to the panel beaters. They are beating panels as I write. Most of the money I earn will go to them so I can't afford internet cafes.

7. Our landline is still cut off due to the bastards at Telstra (a.k.a. the Man) getting annoyed we didn't pay them for three months. Therefore no internet access from home.

8. I'm deciding on what number ten should be. I usually resort to the cheap excuses I kept since High School. ie, the sun was in my eyes, the dog ate it, my grandmother is very ill(again). Some kids at school killed off their 'grandmothers' too early. You should never do that- in a ficticious or actual sense. The sick 'grandmother' needs to be tended to frequently and when the weather is good.

10. The dog ate it.

And that's it for me folks.

Art does nothing,