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Thursday, October 20, 2005

My Other Car is a Batmobile

When I drive a car, bad things happen. Vultures circle around vehicles that I get into and my turning of the ignition is akin to hearing dinner bells to them. So I leave the whole driving process to people more skilled than I. This gives me plenty of time to have sexual fantasies of girls we pass by, get completely lost when trying to navigate using 1/3 Melways, 1/3 celestial navigation, 1/3 Spider Sense and also my friends can have some amount of enjoyment by getting into accidents and seeing how far my body will hurtle through the windshield.

Of course not having a car means to not have to look after a car which gives me more money to buy things I desperately need to grow physically, emotionally and intellectually as a human being (e.g. computer games). When I started writing this I was sure I was going somewhere but now I....oh yeah.

Woke up on Matt's couch last week. This is because it is impossible to visit Matt for any longer than a few minutes without it escalating in to a night of drinking and destruction (Actually last week wasn't too bad. I wasn't covered head to toe in blood and Matt didn't have to call in 'The Wolf'). The fact that I was on a comfortable couch instead of "hypothetically" speaking the middle of the hypothetical road in hypothetical Sandringham to be woken up by a couple of hypothetical cops and later, by a hypothetical old man who offered you a hypothetical blanket as you tried to sleep on a park bench was a good thing. Also instead of spending $47.50 f-ckcking dollars in cab fare to get home from this stupid, stupid hypothetical situation I woke up indoors, surprisingly not too hungover considering we had a staff whiskey tasting experience, and finally got to watch MTV's Pimp My Ride.

Yes, I know everyone else on this planet has probably already watched at least a few episodes of this awesome show. But I had been UnPimped until recently. For those who haven't yet seen it, like me, there's a brief synopsis below.

Pimp My Ride For The Unitiated:

1. Xzibit- philosopher, artist, musician whose lyrics
contain about the same number of cuss words as a
transcript of a Tourette's sufferer stubbing his toe and
owner of a Humvee that looks like it could withstand a
direct hit from an H-bomb, gives a short introduction.
The gist of it being that they are some poor sons of
bitches who are driving vehicles you shouldn't even
enter unless you've had your tetanus shots recently.

2. He is not kidding. We see people driving around in
things that can only loosely be defined as a 'car'. How best to descibe these 'cars'? Jeff Foxworthy may think these people rednecks as the signs are there. In his words "(You might be a redneck if)....The blue book value of
your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas
it has in it."
Doors are being held together by duct tape and prayer,
the roof is rusted and leaking, there are only three
wheels on the car, several mirrors are missing,
flashlights are used for indicating, the "engine"
consists of a hamster running around in a wheel, etc.
etc. The owner of the vehicle, a young person between
the ages of 18-23, then pleads for MTV to Pimp their
ride. The owner's friends and family, after mocking
their loved onone'sode of transport, also beg for MTV
to help.

3. Enter Xzibit. He materialises in the neighbourhood
( accompanied by dope fresh background music) like a
wandering Jedi, had the Jedi council accepted a
foul-mouthed black rapper into their order. He then
spends a few minutes laughing at the car. In some
episodes even a cursory inspection of the car results
in bits of it falling off. It is a relief to know that
things have settled down enough in the L.A. area since
the whole 'Rodney King incident' and a strange black
guy in basketball attire can prod and poke a
neighbour's car in broad daylight and nobody calls the
police. Maybe the neighbours secretly hope that he
will steal the vehicle.

4. Xzibit knocks on the door of the unsuspecting
owner. Door opens. 'Oh...My...GOD! You're XZIBIT!
You've...you've come to....OhOhmygodthat'ssoawesome!!'
There was an episode where a girl actually cried tears
of joy in seeing Xzibit who must seem like an angel of
mercy to these guys.

5. More light mocking of the car.

6. Keys are handed over to Xzibit who then drives
away. Every once in a while someone will say 'Take car
of my baby. Make sure you look after it.' Although it
is said in jest it is not technically possible to
wreck the car.

7. Xzibit then drives the car to the fine folks at
West Coast Customs- the Pimpers of Vehicles. This is
usually a great scene. A dozen or so mechanics are
waiting at the back of the garage for Xzibit to drive
in the latest hunk of shit and he never disappoints
You can sometimes see the look of total amazement on
their faces, even a tinge of admiration, that the car
even made it to the shop which they will often times
voice by saying things like ' Sheeeit dog! What th'
hell did you bring fo' us this time? Damn man! And
other such sentiments.'

8. The Meeting. Chaired by Q the manager. Each member
of the West Coast Customs sit around a table pitching
their concept.

Q ( Da Man): So, what've we got? What's everyone's plan of attack?
Jimmy (Paint & Body): Currently the car is the colour
of fish heads rotting in a bucket. I'm going to make
it a crazy shade of Molten Green.
Alex ( tattooed/pierced Wheels & Tires guy): Well, as
you guys can clearly see the car has empty beer kegs
instead of wheels. I'm going to give him a rim job he
won't forget. And some new wheels.
Big Dane ( Accessories): I'm-a accessorise the sh-t out
of the car!
'Mad' Mike ( Electronics): Alright. Here's how I see
it. There's gonna be two plasma screens at the back, a
PlPlaystationonsole on the roof here so you can be
playing The Sims when he crashes his car. And
Q: 'Yeah?'
'Mad' Mike: Just for something special I'm going to
put in some ejector seats.
Q: Beautiful.
'Mad'Mike: Now, it's not exactly street legal...
Q: Just do it.
Token Gay Mexican ( I can't remember his name but Matt
kept on calling him a gay Mexican and so I can't get
that out of my head. Interiors): I think we can do
ththometinnice with...velvet.

9. Car gradualy changes from junk to a pipimpin' good ride. They show the stuff ups and the creative process as well.

10. Xzibit brings in the car owner. There is a sheet over the car. The West Coast Customs guys then reveal the Pimpmobile. It's pretty hard to describe how overjoyed the owners get as they lunge at their cars to see the improvements ( basketball court in boot, karaoke system, goldfish bowl embedded in the interior- I'm not making this shit up).

11. Xzibit then tugs at the shirt of the owner. They've been officially 'Pimped'.

What a Show,


Blogger Ash Karreau said...

You forgot the part where the car ends up looking like a gay Hot Wheel.

1:34 am  
Blogger Fatman said...

Are you serious? They look mean playa!

2:20 pm  

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