fatman Find the clues!

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Viva La Undead

Day 8- Accomplishing anything is satisfying. It's like beating a raccoon to death with a croquet mallet. You're tired, sweaty and there's blood all over your hands but in the end there is a profound sense of accomplishment, you have done something worthwhile and, dare I say it, beautiful. When you can actually write a few pages that doesn't make you want to vomit when you re-read it, you feel a beatific sense of calm override your body. As a man I will not give birth to a child. Probably. But it is possible to finish a zombie book. I am several thousand words behind quota and the bits I have ( journeying to the airport with a suicidal taxi driver, bizarre scientific experiments, two guys sharing the same name having a duel over a restaurant booking mishap, a retirement home rife with the living dead) seem very disjointed and not heading anywhere but with a little bit of light editing I can make it seem.....less amateurish.

Day 9- Lunch with Free Beer. ' How's your zombie thing going?' he asks, popping a gnocchi into his mouth.
' Woefully. It's amateur. Pure bush league. Re-reading what I've written makes me want to vomit.' He moves his plate away from me. He suggests I might set it somewhere interesting, perhaps New Orleans? I tell him it's too soon. Thought provoking New Orleans survival stories will dominate for awhile. People may get the wrong impression and think I'm taking the piss. ' Besides I'm trudging along with it. I thought a court scene would make a cool intermission. There's an insurance debate that rages over whether the zombies are man made ( from either a disgruntled Haitian witch doctor who places a voodoo curse on everyone who takes his car spot or a crazy Nazi experiment that, surprise, surprise, goes awry) or an act of God ( meteors) and who is liable for the damages incurred.'
' You should also have an old guy in it who has lived through a previous zombie invasion.' says Free Beer.
' His name should be Lucky. He's like " Zombies huh? That reminds this old sea dog of the zombie plague of 1922. Time to bring out ' Betsy' once again."'
' Betsy is his trusty rocket launcher.'
'...or flame thrower.'

A flame-thrower toting old guy, Nazis, zombies and cowboys from the 1870's. And the only thing that could possibly bring it all together: Time travel. Brilliant. Now to get Bruckheimer on the phone and sign me a movie deal.

Kind of like Gandhi, only Fatter,


Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Don't scoff. You Aussie's seem to have cornered the marked on weird zombie films in the last fifteen years.

1:22 am  
Blogger Gaijin Girl said...

S Heazlewood, you are the writer I want to be. I take my 'hello kitty' hat off to you.

You are hilarious!

11:31 am  
Blogger Fatman said...

Ash- The only Australian zombie film, weird or otherwise, I can think of off the top of my head is Undead which I thought surprisingly enjoyable. I seem to remember you thought it was mediocre. Peter Jackson's Braindead ( Dead Alive to you folk living in the wrong hemisphere) doesn't really count because he's from New Zealand. Comparing Kiwis to Aussies is like comparing Canuks (sp? I've seen it spelled Canucks and Canuks) and Yanks, Irish and the Scottish, politicians with people with souls. They might seem similar but mistaking the two may get you a solid beating.

Dee- Thank you Dee. You do realize that I just type on the keyboard randomly and they just happen to turn out to be words, right? This explains why none of my stories head anywhere, my crap punctuation and the appearance of totally nonsensical words/phrases like "mongoose lollipop" that turn up halfway through an edible Zeppelin.

2:39 pm  
Blogger Gaijin Girl said...

Hmm, I see you are also humble.

Hey I was just stumbling through 'Stumble!' and your little video came up. Did you know it was there?

4:02 pm  
Blogger Fatman said...

What's a 'Stumble'?

1:56 am  
Blogger Gaijin Girl said...

Ah, sorry. It's an extension for Firefox. Dunno how to do links in comments as I'm such a novice but here's the url:

I was so surprised when it came up.

11:28 am  
Blogger Gaijin Girl said...

Oh, and here's the actual link for the site where it's at.


11:32 am  
Blogger Fatman said...

I freakin' love that clip Dee. If you take a look at the left hand column of Fatramblings you will notice a section entitled 'That Dancin' Dude' which features the slightly tubby, yet strangely John Travolta-esque, Mr.Gary Brolsma lip synching to the tune of O-Zone's
Dragostea Din Tei.

5:12 pm  
Blogger Gaijin Girl said...

I know, I saw it there and thought it was you! (u know, with your blog title and all, it wasn't such a stretch.)

Jesus, I can be such a buffoon. I've since done a search for it and he's Everywhere!

5:34 pm  

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