Do Any Of You Vegans Want Something From MacDonald's?
'Look Bub,' explains the lead bed bug, 'We's beggin' tuh worry 'bout you. Yuh ain't eatin' too good.'
'I eat well.'
'Pal. Yuh ain't had a vegtuhble in, like a fortnight.' accuses another one of the mafiosi bugs.
'Pringles is not a vegtuhble yo!' a third bed bug chimes in.
'Are you guys worried just because I've got a mild case of scurvy?'
'Dude, that's like a disease that's been treated from the 1740's. How thuh Hell are yuh suffering from scurvy in this day and age?'
They have a point. Although collectively they only have the intelligence of a typical infomercial audience member they are smart enough to make me question what I've been eating these days. A passing by pathologist who suddenly decided to perform an autopsy on Yours Truly would find the following in my stomach:
-six stale pizza slices I found down the side of the couch
-Kentucky Fried things, MacDonald's burgers and other such junk foods that have been helping increase child obesity since the 50's and are sadly the only things open at 3 in the morning
-a t-bone steak that I burnt tonight
-Meg's ipod nano. Crunchy!
'Alright, alright I'll start eating the occasional carrot or something. Now will you guys return my collection of goofy hats?'
They huddle to confer.
'You gots yourself a deal.'
I wash my body with a rag on a stick,