fatman Find the clues!

Friday, February 10, 2006

Do Any Of You Vegans Want Something From MacDonald's?

The bed bugs that have been infesting my bed have recently begun to complain about my diet. These bugs have been growing to a disturbingly large size and so far all attempts to remove them (kerosene baths, setting the bed on fire, eviction notices, yelling at them, showing them rude hand gestures) have been met with a shrug from their shoulders and then they ignore me by turning up their stereos. The bugs usually find nourishment in my dead skin cells, the lead paint in the walls and some falling asbestos from the ceiling- their resistance to poisonous substances is actually quite amazing. Unfortunately for them their prime source of sustenance (Me) has not been eating well these days and they are looking quite sickly.

Bed bugs. Sometimes these suckers grow up to 300 times their normal size

'Look Bub,' explains the lead bed bug, 'We's beggin' tuh worry 'bout you. Yuh ain't eatin' too good.'
'I eat well.'
'Pal. Yuh ain't had a vegtuhble in, like a fortnight.' accuses another one of the mafiosi bugs.
'Pringles is not a vegtuhble yo!' a third bed bug chimes in.
'Are you guys worried just because I've got a mild case of scurvy?'
'Dude, that's like a disease that's been treated from the 1740's. How thuh Hell are yuh suffering from scurvy in this day and age?'

They have a point. Although collectively they only have the intelligence of a typical infomercial audience member they are smart enough to make me question what I've been eating these days. A passing by pathologist who suddenly decided to perform an autopsy on Yours Truly would find the following in my stomach:

-six stale pizza slices I found down the side of the couch
-Kentucky Fried things, MacDonald's burgers and other such junk foods that have been helping increase child obesity since the 50's and are sadly the only things open at 3 in the morning
-a t-bone steak that I burnt tonight
-Meg's ipod nano. Crunchy!

'Alright, alright I'll start eating the occasional carrot or something. Now will you guys return my collection of goofy hats?'
They huddle to confer.
'You gots yourself a deal.'

I wash my body with a rag on a stick,


Anonymous theyawnblog said...

In the immortal words of Luke Skywalker and the 2 Live Crew, "Rub that ass and tweak that clit, you know I love that freaky shit."

Pop that pussy.

1:53 pm  
Blogger Fatman said...

I popped a pussy once. Messy, messy stuff.

11:03 am  
Blogger Fatman said...

Months after this post (It's April now) I've come up with a better caption for the Facehugger pic: "Man with a facial tic(k)".

I'm slow but I get there in the end,

2:02 pm  

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