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Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Survival of the Fattest

A typical day begins. I re-arrange the jars of animal parts preserved in formaldehyde in my bedroom alphabetically, thumb through my favourite bits in a book about Graham Young and add a small dose of thallium in my housemates' chamomile. Just so I have something to write about later. I then flip through the newspaper while I wait for the kettle to boil. There's an article about a couple of miners trapped a kilometre under the surface. Then another. And another. An interview with one of the miner's sister-in-laws. An interview with an expert on geology.

I turn on the TV. Every channel has something about these two guys who have been stuck underground. I phone a friend to see if the same thing is happening to his television. 'Dude, are you getting an over-saturation of this news report about two miners being trapped in a cage without any food or water for six days in the dark?'
'Two minors being left in a cage? In the dark? For almost a week with nothing to eat or drink save a puddle of rainwater and their own urine? Sounds like boarding school.'
'Miners you dunce. Not minors.'

It seems every media source in our country has dedicated at least 30-pages to this 'tragedy' and quality shows (like re-runs of M*A*S*H) are getting invaded by 'updates' of the rescue which generally consists of two solemn looking guys saying things like; "The only way we can get this chicken sandwich to the men down there is to use a blender until it (the sandwich) becomes liquid then feed it to them in a tube."

Now, I'm interested in stories of survival. Be it someone who managed to hack off their own arm that's been trapped underneath a boulder using nothing more than a toothbrush or how the plane crash survivors of Oceanic Flight 815 fend for themselves on a mysterious island with weird number curses and populated by polar bears, monsters etc. But please...can we leave the fanfare until after they get rescued?

Waiting for the kettle to boil,
Fatman

9 Comments:

Blogger Gaijin Girl said...

sigh.

oh, how i miss m*a*s*h. but i certainly don't miss the parochial nature of australian reporting. it's a freakin' joke, and one doesn't need to leave the country to recognise that.

gg.

ps. faaark, i have a japanese keyboard, and it took me forever to find the damn * key. but yay, now i know where it is...

11:41 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, how I miss the JC cloning experiment....

4:32 am  
Blogger Yawn said...

A couple of sweaty strong men trapped all alone together for an extended period of time in the dark. With nothing to eat or drink but whatever the other can provide. You know a Brokeback relationship will come out of this. Something vile and filthy, something to be shunned and hidden. Something full of spit and cooze and maybe a loogey or two, something repulsive and musty.

6:04 am  
Blogger Fatman said...

GG- Definately getting more press coverage than deserved. I wish these guys the best but, seriously, it's a natural disaster not a Morlock abduction.

Anonymous- I'm ignoring you*.

Yawn- The sad thing is that somewhere there will be studio executives coming up with the tag line already: "Two men trapped one kilometre underground. Victims. Survivors.Heroes
.....Lovers"

*I actually started writing the sequel, just to see if I could, and found myself with an extremely complex story. I didn't want to repeat the same old pattern of :escaped JC wreaks havoc, men track it down, subdue it. (My punctuation sucks. So sue me.) It wasn't good. So I added another element to it. Then another. It made the story convoluted, implausible and nonsensical- like a Matthew Reilly novel. But I'm still mulling it over.

10:53 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hehe you said mulling.

and i say nay to the jc ressurection. im a naysayer.

11:13 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Screw you, Anonymous! And stop stealing my anonymity! You think you can hide from me behind your anonymity? I am the first and true anonymous, the one and only, the uniquely faceless creature of the Fatman Blogg. And only I can justly be called 'he who has no identity'. Or possibly she. See? Even my gender is confused. Now I'm confused. Where was I?
Oh yeah, the JC thing.
What do you mean, you're having trouble writing the sequel? Just write it as it happened. Geez, anyone'd think you're making the whole crazy caper up...

7:56 pm  
Anonymous broadzilla said...

And add in a couple of Morlocks and some dank, sweaty, trapped-underground -no-air-*gasp* action while you're at it, please.

5:37 pm  
Blogger Fatman said...

1/ How many anonymouses are there? Or is it just the one guy (or girl) with several personalities? Either way I may write more about the JC experiments if the Powers That Be declassifies it.

2/ Broadzilla- I'm as blasphemous as the next guy ("the next guy" being the creepy fellow sitting next to me at the internet cafe muttering darkly to himself and looking at websites dedicated to 13-year old Malaysian boys) but I think a Morlock rape scene involving the clone of Jesus is pushing the envelope a little too far for my liking.

5:00 pm  
Anonymous broadzilla said...

Hey, I never said anything about it not being consensual...

11:09 pm  

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