fatman Find the clues!

Friday, April 07, 2006

I'll Never Eat Calamari Again

Aboard the Blythe Danner. Slow, slow week all 'round. Apart from that mild mutiny on Wednesday that resulted in fourteen injured and three dead (Wolfgang Peterson's Das Boot was NOT popular amongst the crew) and a compulsory crotch exam for everyone, nothing much seems to be happening. I've had very little sleep in the last three days and I mumble the same command that I have every day since I've been aboard this damn sub.
'Find him.'
'Found him,' replies the ensign peering casually out the window.

There lay LEVIATHAN, the tragic result of genetically engineering the supposed DNA of Christ and a mutating sea monster, helplessly struggling under the weight of it's own tentacles. It seems that it's self-replicating nature was it's own downfall. After weeks of searching for this sucker using satellite imagery, state-of-the-art digital multibeam systems and even employing an on board soothsayer and cross-referencing everything with what we know of the bathymetry (sea-floor depth) and backscatter (data that can provide insight into the geologic makeup of the sea floor) of the area we've finally found him by pure chance. I know that LEVIATHAN possesses an insatiable appetite for blood and yet it seems so helpless now. No threat to anyone. As I aim the thermo-nuclear torpedoes at it's struggling form I wonder...What would Jesus do?

'Arm the torpedoes!' I bark.
'I had this dream last night,' starts the Soothsayer.
'I dreamt that the tentacles protruding from the body of LEVIATHAN was another branch of Christianity. Every tentacle, another skewered belief. What was once very simple and beautiful was slowly becoming a creature of horror, spilling much blood for the sake of it's distorted self.'
'Sounds like pure horseshit padre,' I say as I grip the trigger,' LEVIATHAN is a bloated sea creature, pure and simple. It ain't a high school religious education essay.'

Before anyone else can voice their objections I launch the torpedoes into the side of LEVIATHAN. A direct hit!

I blame the peyote,


Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Incidentally, this is the greatest thing ever.

11:24 pm  
Blogger venus de kilo said...

Happy birthday Ahab.

10:18 am  
Blogger Fatman said...

Ash- Thanks man. I'll let you know when I clone Buddha and you can come over to feed it peanuts.

Venus de Kilo- Cheers. I'd invite you to the party but there's a whopping big ocean between Melbourne and New York.

3:39 pm  
Blogger Yawn said...

I get the feeling this isn't over. C'mon- don't "last episode of Seinfeld" us here!!! I've seen enough horror movies to know that there's an egg waiting silently on the bottom of the ocean. The camera zooms to it, and the creepy music starts.

11:03 pm  
Blogger Fatman said...

Well....it is Easter time. Which is all about bunnies, chocolate eggs and the resurrection of Jesus as an eighty foot tall sea creature. Which is why I always keep a loaded shotgun under my pillow just in case He does come back.

5:09 pm  

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