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Wednesday, June 25, 2003

A Day in the Life of...

Tuesday 24/06/03
'Micah drinks poo_ juice & sucks cok & licks balls.'
These are the words, written in soap, that obscures my reflection in the mirror. Last night Micah's dozen or so workmates from Blue Train descended upon 38 Melrose after work, and in an orgy of drunkenness, Mario-Karting, snack eating, pot smoking, Anime-watching frenzy, left the house in the shambles that I found it. The "warrior-poet" responsible for the hauntingly beautiful ode to my housemate is, I suspect, Flip (who has denied this). But he has already left the building for an appointment at the tattooist to colour in the rest of his arm, an arm that is resembling a multi-coloured jigsaw of Japanese kanji and fish.

I had a surprisingly good nights sleep, considering the ruckus of Monday night- having excused myself from the partying, I went to my bedroom and promptly barricaded myself inside, using a couch to thwart attempting intruders. I had an empty bottle of Malibu next to me, on the off chance that someone would eventually get past the first line of defence. In the event that anyone did get in there would be a large THWACK! as a 700ml bottle of protected glass smacked the foolish individual to the temple causing significant pain, brain damage or possibly even death. There would be several uninterrupted hours of sleep before the Homicide Squad would barge down the door, precious time for yours truly to gather his wits and overnight bag- then make his escape. I hear Mexico is nice at this time of year.

Night: What started as a generally typical night at the bar(ie, thinking maybe I should arrange the garnish in alphabetical order) was propelled deep in the realms of the Hugh Heffner dimension when a couple of young lesbians dragged me into the bathroom for some "naughtiness". Anyone who has known me for any priod of time knows also my creedo of 'don't kiss and tell'. I have had girlfriends for months without anyone realising but...I've forced you guys to read my boring weekly crud so it's time to waive that particular thing in the interest of my column.
These giggling girls had arrived fairly late at night..around a quarter to 11 I suppose and asked me to join in on their celebration. Cue 70's era bass. After several rounds of shots, which I put on my tab 'cos I'm a nice guy, they said 'Come join us in the bathroom. It's worth getting fired for.' Have all those nightly prayers I made when I was 16 finally come true? I lost my power of speech around this point, but I nodded. A lot. O.K., so apart from a bit of kissing and hugging nothing much else happened, but I do have eye witnesses and security camera tapes that will verify my unrealistic claims. The erotic escapade made me reach for my keys, money, mobile phone- nothing stolen. I didn't wake up in an ice-filled bath without a kidney. They left, promising to return later- never did. Still, I felt like God's favourite son and longing for the beautiful day that would be tomorrow.

Life is Jam-tastic!


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