Morgan Freeman, SE7EN
According to Free Beer and courtesy of Google, 'Rahu' is a Hindu demon, a dark god who causes eclipses, not- as I'd previously believed, the result of the moon being in the way of the Sun. 'Who is this guy?' asked Free ', who has that kind of knowledge about obscure demons?' I didn't rightly know. In fact, up until him calling me Free Beer was one of my chief suspects. He still is a suspect, just not that high up the list. Incidentally, you are all on my list of suspects. I'm a paranoid, doubty guy at the moment, jumping at every received message on my phone. Who is this freak? Who has a 'black and embryonic heart'?
I'm guessing Rahu is a guy. Not every one who has read the previous e-mail agrees with my theory, notably Tange, who thought Rahu might be a woman. He did not phrase it quite that way but I realise some of my readers may have a problem with his choice of words. Also...this;
'Rahu?'- WHY NOT GIVE RAHU YR EMAIL ADDRESS? RAHU ENJOYS YR ('Rahu' uses 'yr' instead of 'your' or 'you're'. A habit.) PERPLEXITY. RAHU IS VERY TECHNO-SAVVY CONSIDERING HIS DISTINGUISHED AGE. RAHU ROCKS. HE ROLLS UP TIME AND SPACE LIKE A PIECE OF LEATHER. HIS TREMENDOUS PHALLUS. HIS GERMANE FILM CRIT. HIS BLACKENED TEETH. HIS EXCELLENT WIDE-SCREEN HOME ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM.
When I had a go at his 'tremendous phallus' I got this reply;
'Rahu?'- RAHU EXPERIENCES A FLASH OF ANGER. HIS PHALLUS IS NOT IN DISPUTE. BRAHMA, SHIVA, VISHNU (Yup. These are real gods according to Apu in The Simpsons) ALL CAN ATTEST. NAGA GODS DISDAIN SUCH INSULT. UMBRAGE. YOU ARE IN COCONUT DISCREDIT (This from an earlier text suggesting if I wish to be in favour that I should 'donate a coconut, old coins or a coal to a leper on Saturdays'). HIS BRIGHT AND SEARING SULK.
As for Saturdays- who baby sits on Saturdays? Either 'Rahu' is unemployed, very old or very young. Not too many of my friends have kids. Yet. 'Rahu' probably knows me from the bar since he mentions;
RAHU SHARES NOT YR DREARY TASTE FOR COOPERS, INN-KEEPER. HIS TERRIBLE HANGOVER. The 'Hangover' comment was on a Tuesday. The only people I know who gets stupid drunk on a Monday (assuming he's telling the truth) are people with unimportant jobs. Cafe workers, dole bludgers, doctors and engineers.
He then agreed to reveal a clue to his 'mortal avatar' if I could get some questions right. They were;
a) What did Pelops do in the chariot race that the first olympic games commemorated?
b) What was harry garrison's book 'Great Balls of Fire' about?
c) Despite cute protestations (I told him after f-cking up the first two questions to not ask me about ancient sports or books for nerds that for some reason he thought I'd read) Rahu feels compassion...his generous paunch...What is the syndrome scripturience?
My Reply- SHOULDN'T YOU BE HOSTING A TRIVIA NIGHT SOMEPLACE? LET'S DO AN AGENT STARLING/ LECTOR QUID PRO QUO Q&A SESSION. YOU BE THE FLESH-EATING FREAK. I'LL BE JODIE.
To which he sort of agreed to....
The Saga Continues,
* To which Brad Pitt (Mills) replies: He's a nutbag! Just because the f-cker has a library card, doesn't make him Yoda.