fatman Find the clues!

Thursday, March 23, 2006


Oh the joys of having bored unpaid interns working on a project to clone Jesus Christ! I came in to the Mad Science Lab this morning after a woeful nights' sleep to find the hunchback shambling back and forth irritably, mumbling 'Thisss isss not good. The bossss isn't going to like this.'
'What am I not going to like?' I ask, stifling yawns.
'The internsss. They...'
'Hey, you've been working on your Peter Lorre impression!' I interrupt.
'You can tell? Thanks man! Yeah, I've been working on it all night wondering if anyone will notice.'
'It's very good.'


'The interns...' I gently remind him
'Sorry. Yeah. The interns are splicing animal DNA into some of the Jesus embryos to see what would happen.'

Freakin' interns! How many times have I told them to not go screwing around with this project? I've been less than satisfied with the results of the JCs so far and now they are adding ANIMAL DNA to the mix? Who knows what'll happen? They are like the dudes who isolated the green fluorescent protein (GFP) from the Aequorea Victoria jellyfish and injected into mice thus creating glowing vermin. Giddy as schoolgirls at this new technology. Careless. Totally disrespectful of the moral implications of their actions. Plus if they were going to start doing this sort of shit could no one have informed me before so that we could bet on what the results were going to be?

I march down the damp corridors where we house the JCs to inspect the new additions of our menagerie, the hunchback scuttling a few feet behind me. I'm a little pissed off at the whole situation quite frankly. I peer into the chamber that houses JC 244-CENTAUR and see a creature who's upper body resembles that of the Son of God (breadcrumbs in his beard, eyes wide in wonderment and a pious glow about him) and the lower half of an Arabian Chestnut Stallion. He's reading a copy of Tom Clancy's 'Op-Centre'.
'Get that shit away from him.'
'Yes sir.'
'Where did we get a hold of all this animal DNA anyway?' I say as we pass the chamber that houses a Jesus with the body of a bird (JC 259-HARPY)
'Terry has a friend who works in the zoo.'
'Which one's Terry?'
'He's the intern you stabbed in the eye with a chopstick last Tuesday.'
'Terry...Terry...' I can't visualise his face, 'er...how is he?'
'Healing.' replies the hunchback.

Notes on several JC types to look out for:

JC 266-MANTICORE: Possessing the head of Our Lord, the body of a lion and the tail of what could be a dragon. Shoots poisonous spines when infuriated which tends to happen if people leave the tv on. He particularly despises car commercials and Dr Phil.

JC 271-LEVIATHAN: Started off fairly normal looking (save his hands resembling tentacles) and docile but has changed demeanour in the last 24-hours. Strangely, he is growing a new tentacle at the rate of one every three hours and I have spotted a lobster-like claw which he uses to make rude gestures with. Definitely a potential danger to mankind if he keeps growing at the rate he is.

JC 345-BASILISK: The most tragic of the JCs. A kind and caring creature, this unfortunate beast has the curse of killing anything it lays its eyes upon. Its desire to help mankind is hindered by this genetic defect and is driving it slowly to insanity. Also feeding it has become somewhat problematic.

(Insert witty remark here)


Blogger Yawn said...

I find myself understanding Manticore. If he's anything like me in all my secret agency administrator glory, he hates the wacky locally-made furniture commercials as well, not to mention the flab glaciers peddling tax preparation services!

9:18 am  
Blogger Yawn said...

And what about thehomosexual colored Jesus? The one all conservatives would love to sweep under the rug and wait for a white Messiah with blue eyes and blond hair?

9:20 am  
Blogger Fatman said...

Kit Marlowe had riled a few feathers, way back when, by questioning Jesus' sexuality. That's a big no-no apparently.

1:49 pm  

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