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Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Deep Beneath An Abandoned Hospital

The Mad Science Lab, located underground of New Bethlehem Hospital

We are still working out the kinks of the whole 'cloning of Jesus'-thing. This is not made easy by the fact that we are using second-hand equipment, the crumbling basement that we are working on is haunted and the team leader ( Yours Truly) has almost no scientific background and cannot work a toaster unsupervised. Budget is pretty tight and I can only afford a cheap science team that consists of disgraced scientists, a handful of unpaid interns, a guy who once played a geneticist on a commercial and only one hunchback.

So far we have produced only failure after failure. I blame this mainly on our tight schedule and the interns who tend to just f-ck around lobbing a football to one another and debate for hours on end as to what the plural of Jesus is. If it wasn't for Dr.Lim, the second-in-charge, I'd doubt that we'd even be as close to succeeding as we have been. I'll now list how the experiments are going because, Hell, you've read this far. (Note: I'm not going to bore my readers with the science of the process or explain how we got the cells to divide and grow so rapidly, mainly because I do not fully understand them myself. At school we were forced to learn the basics of genetic engineering but at that time of my life I spent more time perving on girls and gluing airplanes together than pouring over the "Mendel-Weismann-Morgan"notes)


Cloning of Jesus thus far ( each specimen has been labelled JC, then a numeral. Some have also been assigned a code-name when deemed appropriate)

JC1-JC12: Failure.
JC13: Zygote stage. Sample didn't last long.
JC14-27: Failure.
JC28-33: Zygote stage. Samples perished soon after.

(Dr.Lim fiddles around with things. I have no idea what he did but it improved the results somewhat)

JC34-38: Zygote to Embryo baby! Samples perished soon after.
JC39-42: Embryos....that don't last long.
JC43-TADPOLE: Embryo. Holding, holding....

(Me: Hey Lim! Looks like we're cooking with fire now.
Lim: Please don't cook that. It's THE SON OF GOD!!!)

Lim then begins to explain the procedure that will accelerate the gestation of the embryo to the eight-week mark and into a fetus. I wasn't really listening.

JC44-78: Fetus. These perish soon after. Is that now technically murder?
JC 79: Fetus. Sample destroyed after a careless intern kicks a football into it.
JC 80: Fetus. Perishes soon after.
JC 81-84: Fetus. Samples destroyed after a careless intern spills a mug of hot chocolate on them.

(Intern: Sorry Dude!
Me: Stop f-cking around you morons!)

JC 85: Fetus. Looks pretty healthy.

Lim then explains that from JC85 onwards they can hook these suckers up to artificial "umbilical cords" and further increase the growth of these Jesus Children. As he was explaining how he was to do these things one of the interns cranked up the stereo too loud and I could barely hear him. Sounded interesting though.


When we come back from lunch we are all astounded by the rapid growth rate of the Jesi/ Jesuses. Some have perished and others have hideous birth defects but these are a huge improvements from before. It's amazing what an hour lunch break can do. The notable JCs are:

JC 97-HREIDMAR: Jesus with a stunted growth. Possibly due to some kind of skeletal dysplasia.

JC 99-IFRIT: When released from the Womb ( a chamber where we house the rapidly growing Jesi) this Jesus ran out screaming 'Aaaaaargggghhhhhh! Aaaaarrrghhhhh! Pain! All I feel is PAIN! Arrrrgggghhhhhh! Heeeeeelp Meeeeeee!' and then he burst into flames, completely destroying the photo copier and singeing Dr. Gulbransson's eyebrows.

JC 121-BEETHOVEN: This Jesus appears to have Jervell and Lange-Nielsen syndrome. It is deaf and has an irregular heartbeat due to a screw up with chromosome-11. Stupid chromosome-11!

The experiments continue well into the night....


Blogger Yawn said...

Interns- always best to load them up on Thorazine or Roofies to keep them outta the way so they aren't knocking shit over. If they are paid interns, it's a good idea to leave them in the next room with a stripper you cloned so she can take all their money and give it back to you to put in your intern budget.

1:49 am  
Blogger Fatman said...

Strippers...so underrated. What people don't understand is that the whole reason pimply science-types start working on the advancement of genetic research is so they can eventually clone Marilyn Monroe and get her to lap dance for them.

2:31 pm  

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