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Monday, March 20, 2006

Six Impossible Things Before Breakfast

Alice laughed: "There's no use trying," she said; "one can't believe impossible things."
"I daresay you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "When I was younger, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast

Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking-Glass.

Once you can grasp the knack of believing in impossible things the next step is to make it happen. Like cloning a human being or dating the Lesbian Girl from Neighbours. Impossible? I laugh at impossible. Bwa-ha-ha! I have in my possession what is supposedly the skin cells of one Jesus Christ bought at an exorbitant price. The 'old me' would have spent that kind of money buying a Doomsday Device and held the world at ransom but I have recently changed my ways. My efforts are to make the world a better place by cloning a Jesus or two, thus putting an end to disease, poverty and war.

(I'm typing all this at a nearby internet cafe not 400 meters from my mad science lab. For as cool as it is to have a mad science lab located underground of an abandoned hospital, aptly named New Bethlehem, we still do not get access to internet or cable and I have to do cloning research online at $3 an hour.)

I am encountering some difficulties. Namely, most of the data I have regarding human cloning are wildly contradictory. There are a lot of useless, even darnright fraudulent, information after the wake of the Hwang Woo-Suk Controversy and the wack-job Raelians so I have to triple check all the info I have before I start Operation: Bring Back Jesus (it was originally called Operation: Second Genesis but it sounded a tad John Case.)

Things to note before I start cloning:

1) There is only a 2% difference in a chimpanzee genome and the human genome but the difference, I'm sure you'll agree, is pretty huge.

2) "Genetically Identical" is not the same as being identical. Supposing that the DNA we have DOES belong to Jesus Christ. We would not be producing an exact replica but more like a twin of Jesus Christ. Many, many twins.

3) The success rate for cloning has been very low: Dolly was born after 276 failed attempts, Prometea took 328 and Paris Texas was created after 400 attempts. Is every failed zygote of Jesus we make the same as murder? And not just the murder of any man but the Son of God.

4) Will the new 'Jesus' have a soul?

5) Due to the extra shrinking of telomeres ( regions at the tips of chromosomes which prevent genetic threads fraying every time a cell divides) at every mitosis there may be a 'slight chance' that there will be some form of accelerated aging.

Oh well. Fortune favors the brave. No knowing if this is going to work unless we start crankin'!

Plus-Sized Model,


Anonymous Anonymous said...

$3 an hour inter? you're getting jibbed

8:01 pm  
Blogger Fatman said...

Mmmmmm. The other internet cafe that I frequent offers a discount for every coffee ordered. So if I order enough coffees my internet usage is pretty cheap but the downside is I end up a jittery mess who feels the need to run a marathon. Several marathons actually.

12:07 pm  
Blogger Lilith said...

I love that quote from Lewis Carroll, but actually it's from "Alice through the Looking-Glass", the sequel to "Alice in Wonderland"!!

4:33 am  
Blogger Fatman said...

This is what happens when you're a lazy research...guy. I was flipping through 'Alice in Wonderland' at home and couldn't find the quote so I decided to just Google the sucker at the internet cafe (I usually like to have quotes/ facts in my hand for this very reason). I typed 'Lewis Carrol' and 'Six Impossible Things' without bothering to check which book it was from, cut-and-pasted the quote and ended up looking like a total hack. Damn. I feel like a frickin' amature!

p.s. Lilith- I also get my Police Academy movies mixed up as well...which does not make me popular at Conventions.

4:56 pm  

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