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Sunday, October 24, 2004

Absinth makes the heart grow fonder

Life begins, for most of us anyway, with two drunk people in the lavatory of a 747 several thousand feet above the ground, a broken prophylactic, being held hostage in a womb without a view for nine months (the longest time most of us will spend without television). Then, fun to be had....birth, live for awhile and ,inevitably, get crushed to death tilting a soft-drink vending machine.

In the time between growing hair in weird bits (puberty) to the final breaths taken as the metal sarcophagus housing a variety of aluminium cans break every bone in our body (death) we can take small comfort in the fact that life is a vengeful hell-bitch intent on screwing with our minds....

I tend to not notice women most of the time. And if I do they generally run away from yours truly at speeds that would shame a puma. Even when they are not a disappearing blur on the horizon, my seductive quips ("Hi. Couldn't help but notice you notice me. Huh-huh, Pull my finger.") are met with capsicum spray and written warnings from the courts. I don't mean to boast but there is a special lady in my life, let's just call her "Belinda", who has rejected me daily for two years. I've got her to a point where she has an inescapable fear of dimming lights and Barry White.

But last night...wow. A girl comes in to the bar. She's one of those types who tend to cause waiters to trip over and spill coffee, guys are forever falling down manholes and crashing their vehicles into one another;

Me: Don't hate me for this but could you move tables so I can set up for the band?
She: I will move. But I already hate you. (Actual quote)

Spiteful. That's awesome. I found out much, much later, as I was thinking of the best Barry White song to play on the mini disc player that she was an actress in our local drama series.
"Yeah, she plays a lesbian in Neighbours." informs Ruth, one of the barmaids at work. And that has just sealed that. The difference between not getting the phone number of someone and not even coming close.



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