Needless Interlude
Finally we are ready to track down LEVIATHAN and destroy him if need be. We have everything we need to undertake this kind of mission. Crusty old Ahab-esque sea captain- Check! A crack team of stereotypical underwater commandos- Check! A leaky, second-hand submarine purchased at "Honest" Vladimir's Used Submarine Emporium ('Where the prices can't sink any lower!')- Check! ...actually, that last thing is a trifle worrying.
"Honest" Vladimir, a former East European of dubious integrity, claims he found our sub somewhere on the bottom of the Baltic sea. 'Is good as new!' he claimed as he whacked the side of the vessel with his walking stick. An unhealthy clang echoed. 'What's holding that thing together?' I ask, pointing, 'Is that duct tape?'
'Duck tape? No understanding. We patch up hole made by torpedo. Is good now. Less leaking.'
I'm snapped back into the present as Lim finishes a speech to the Krakenguard, '....and in hindsight we probably should not have crossed Jesus DNA with that of a mutating sea monster. To expand on that further I have the absolute pleasure of introducing Dr.Heazlewood to the stand.'
Weak applause.
'Thanks Lim,' I say as I grab the microphone, ' what a magnificent introduction by my friend and colleague Dr. Hieronymus Lim WHO WAS WITH ME EVERY STEP OF THE WAY DURING THE CLONING JESUS EXPERIMENT AND WILL GO DOWN WITH ME IF THINGS GO BADLY (wink). OK, for those who haven't the pleasure of working with me yet (stifled laughter from the audience) my name is S.Heazlewood, a.k.a.Fatman. We've been working on the cloning Jesus experiment for about...two or so weeks now and so far our biggest...um...'
' Mistake.' offers Lim.
' Multi-tentacled sea monster.' says Terry the one-eyed intern.
' F-ck up.' growls Van Cleef.
'...challenge is to capture or possibly eliminate JC 271-LEVIATHAN. Since it grows extra tentacles at the rate of one every three hours it's...pretty big. It's probably the size of an Architeuthis squid or a Sperm Whale. Combined.'
A raised hand from one of the Krakenguard.
'Yah?'
'If it is combined with Jesus DNA would it not be a force of good rather than something that would go up and down coastal towns and devouring it's populations?'
'Glad you brought that up Token Hispanic Stereotype. Let me be clear: "Genetically identical" is not the same as being identical. This creature shares the same genetic makeup as Christ but it's personality is nothing like.'
'So it's like the evil twin of Jesus?' asks Token Hispanic Stereotype.
'If it'll make you sleep better at night. Look: say if I had the DNA of Hitler and raised a clone in a better enivro....' I trail off, 'Hey Lim! What do you think the result would be if we mixed Hitler DNA with Jesus DNA?'
A harpoon plunges into the wall inches away from my head. 'Let's not get carried away,' spits Van Cleef, 'we already have an enormous sea creature to hunt. Let's not exacerbate the scenario with a clone army of Hitler/ Jesus hybrids.'
'Point taken. Any other questions?'
'Can it talk to other marine animals?' asks a cigar-chomping Krakenguard member with a Brooklyn accent.
'Like Aquaman you mean? Maybe.'
'Is it possible to kill it? It says in the Bible that Jesus rose from the dead after three days.'
'Then we won't give it three days. Look men, we are all plunging into the unknown here. We don't know if normal weapons will work on it or if killing it would be pissing off God. All I know is if it's not stopped soon it may take over the world,' I motion towards the submarine, 'All aboard men. It's a good day to die.'
Fatman
"Honest" Vladimir, a former East European of dubious integrity, claims he found our sub somewhere on the bottom of the Baltic sea. 'Is good as new!' he claimed as he whacked the side of the vessel with his walking stick. An unhealthy clang echoed. 'What's holding that thing together?' I ask, pointing, 'Is that duct tape?'
'Duck tape? No understanding. We patch up hole made by torpedo. Is good now. Less leaking.'
I'm snapped back into the present as Lim finishes a speech to the Krakenguard, '....and in hindsight we probably should not have crossed Jesus DNA with that of a mutating sea monster. To expand on that further I have the absolute pleasure of introducing Dr.Heazlewood to the stand.'
Weak applause.
'Thanks Lim,' I say as I grab the microphone, ' what a magnificent introduction by my friend and colleague Dr. Hieronymus Lim WHO WAS WITH ME EVERY STEP OF THE WAY DURING THE CLONING JESUS EXPERIMENT AND WILL GO DOWN WITH ME IF THINGS GO BADLY (wink). OK, for those who haven't the pleasure of working with me yet (stifled laughter from the audience) my name is S.Heazlewood, a.k.a.Fatman. We've been working on the cloning Jesus experiment for about...two or so weeks now and so far our biggest...um...'
' Mistake.' offers Lim.
' Multi-tentacled sea monster.' says Terry the one-eyed intern.
' F-ck up.' growls Van Cleef.
'...challenge is to capture or possibly eliminate JC 271-LEVIATHAN. Since it grows extra tentacles at the rate of one every three hours it's...pretty big. It's probably the size of an Architeuthis squid or a Sperm Whale. Combined.'
A raised hand from one of the Krakenguard.
'Yah?'
'If it is combined with Jesus DNA would it not be a force of good rather than something that would go up and down coastal towns and devouring it's populations?'
'Glad you brought that up Token Hispanic Stereotype. Let me be clear: "Genetically identical" is not the same as being identical. This creature shares the same genetic makeup as Christ but it's personality is nothing like.'
'So it's like the evil twin of Jesus?' asks Token Hispanic Stereotype.
'If it'll make you sleep better at night. Look: say if I had the DNA of Hitler and raised a clone in a better enivro....' I trail off, 'Hey Lim! What do you think the result would be if we mixed Hitler DNA with Jesus DNA?'
A harpoon plunges into the wall inches away from my head. 'Let's not get carried away,' spits Van Cleef, 'we already have an enormous sea creature to hunt. Let's not exacerbate the scenario with a clone army of Hitler/ Jesus hybrids.'
'Point taken. Any other questions?'
'Can it talk to other marine animals?' asks a cigar-chomping Krakenguard member with a Brooklyn accent.
'Like Aquaman you mean? Maybe.'
'Is it possible to kill it? It says in the Bible that Jesus rose from the dead after three days.'
'Then we won't give it three days. Look men, we are all plunging into the unknown here. We don't know if normal weapons will work on it or if killing it would be pissing off God. All I know is if it's not stopped soon it may take over the world,' I motion towards the submarine, 'All aboard men. It's a good day to die.'
Fatman
posted by Fatman | 4:52 pm
4 Comments:
By a bit of coincidence there's a mention of evil cloned animals at Foxy Librarian's blog.
So wait a second- exactly what types of devices are you using to hunt down the Leviathan Jesus? I saw mention of a harpoon. Something tells me that isn't going to cut it, and if it's got a gaggle of tentacles, you probably wouldn't do any good to nail it down to a wooden cross. You may need to go psychotronic with this one, but who even knows what the current mapping is of its neural mass?
Drugs I tell you, drugs. Hard ones too from Asia.
Thanks Yawn for I have suddenly realized that we may be hideously under-equipped to tackle the beast. It's also good to be able to be in communication with someone who can accept the 'cloned-evil-Jesus-crossed-with-a-sea-creature' theme without the flak I'm copping from some of my other friends.
(Recently at the Bar)
Clark: It's shit.
Me: What is?
Clark: This whole Jesus-thing. It's not believable.
Me: It's not meant to be.
Clark: I don't care. It's shit.
Me: Would you rather keep reading about the day-to-day exploits of a boring guy who spends his days reading comics and beating off on public transport?
Clark: Frankly, yes.
Hey- Cloned-Evil-Jesuses-Crossed- With-Sea-Monsters happen every now and then. But in all honesty, I wouldn't mind hearing about a wank or two on public transportation either! You never get the first person version of that story- it's always the third person version on the news. Someone needs to bridge the gap in public understanding of the public masturbator. Public masturbators are one of the most discriminated against groups, next to pedophiles and rapists, which is completely unfair. Public masturbation is not a crime, well, at least not that severe a crime.
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