Why I Almost Got Fired From Another Job
This was back when I was working as a photographer's assistant (pre-requisites: opposable thumbs) for a nine-month stint. The life of which usually consists of:
-Having recurring nightmares about misplacing/ breaking camera equipment.
-Resisting the urge to smash the alarm with a hammer when you've only had four hours' sleep and was facing another 14-hour day.
-Putting up lights when asked by photographer.
-Carrying heavy equipment up and down stairs.
-Remembering to bring the film (back in the bygone days where cameras used film)
-Trying not to screw up the lunch order.
-Dodging sandwiches thrown at you when you screw up the lunch order.
-Spending an unhealthy amount of time in front of the computer re-sizing, contouring and converting images from RGB to CMYK.
What it doesn't consist of:
-Dozens of nude models vying for your attention.
Usually one gets to be an assistant photographer by doing years of diligent study, having good computer skills and owning a camera. In my case it was because I used to drink at the same bars as the photographer and just happened to visit him the week his assistant left. And it was good for a while.
The photographer was a good-hearted, immensely likable guy named Ned. A sell-refrigerators-to-Eskimos-type who can tell the lamest jokes and still get people to smile for the camera. He used to be a carpenter in his teens and was one of those people who you can give a few planks of wood and some nails to and he'd build shelves, walls, rooms in a matter of several hours.
The day in question started pretty much like any other day (nightmares, alarm clock almost getting smashed to pieces, bumping into a wall that had been put up by Ned overnight). Little did I know that I would spend the day potentially auditioning for a snuff film. Photographer Ned asked me to remove all the images on the digital camera of a wedding we shot on the weekend so we could do a job that morning. I clicked 'Delete All' on the computer and watched the images disappear one by one. Checking the camera again I see all the images were still on there. Strange. I clicked the 'Delete All' option and watched the images be obliterated again. What I realised as the images disappeared for ever was that I had deleted all the images that was downloaded onto the computer when I 'Deleted All' the first time and now I was deleting all the images that was stored in the computer.
I'd just completely vaporised the happiest day of a couple's life. It's not the same as absolutely screwing up a product shot or a model shoot which would be extremely costly but ultimately re-doable. I'd destroyed an event that could never be recreated. Ever. It was then that I decided I would go to lunch and never come back.
...Or so I was seriously considering. The reason I wasn't thrown screaming from a third storey window was that I'd accidentally copied the files on to another computer the previous day- a completely unnecessary procedure- but something I had done. A happy accident that had saved me from a savage beating and a lifetime of guilt.
I have beaten anorexia,
 I still don't actually know what that means.
 Which is obviously not something I posses. I have recently been banned from several internet cafes as I freak out when people use wireless internet. I go up to these people and yell 'Sorcery! Sorcery! Sorcery!' and try to drum up enough villagers with pitchforks to stone these ungodly vermin.