Cupid is as Cupid does
William Shakespeare, ' A Midsummer Night's Dream'
There was this ad some time ago where a guy comes home to see his girlfriend (soon to be ex) going absolutely ballistic at him- yelling, calling him names and throwing his clothes, all his worldly possessions out of the second storey window. He then turns to the camera and with a stupid grin on his face says 'One day, I'm going to marry that girl.'. I loved that. This pure optimism that defies common sense. And it is with this at the back of the mind and with Valentine's day fast approaching that we have a look at...
FATMAN'S VALENTINE ODDS (Not to be taken seriously):
3-to-1: Charlotte. Did anyone remember in Super Troopers when Rabbit (Erik Stolhanske) pulls over a German couple for speeding and he goes to give them a ticket? The German chick turns to him and says 'Is zere anything I can do to avoid ze ticket? Anything at all?' and proceeds to try to seduce her way out of the fine while her husband watches. Well Miko and I aren't a 100% sure but we reckon this Swedish couple we met the other day may be swingers. A Wife swapping party may be in the works.
50-to-1: Sara. I work with Sara. She's cute, young, blonde and skinny. So definitely not my type (coughs). And she's going to be in Torquay for Valentine's. With her boyfriend. Plus there's not enough beer in the world for this union. Did I mention I work with her?
25-to-1: Vicki. Sara's wacky housemate. Back in school when girls liked you they let you know by hitting you on the arm. Or so I've been told. Vicki's aim is a little off however and she aims for the nose, ribs, crotch and eyes any time I get too near.
30-to-1: B.J. I'm an absolute sucker for freckles. Actually I'm kind of surprised she's not hitched. She's one of these cool, drinks-with-the-boys, sends dirty jokes, smart, beautiful girls that doesn't seem to date as often as she should.
200-to-1: Lesbian girl from Neighbours. Cool shirt idea; 'I'm not a lesbian, I just play one on t.v.' I am totally besotted with this creature. Of course Miss Neval only graced my bar that one time but I'm sure we "shared a moment" and she'll be back to retrieve the mobile phone I stole from her.
a Billion-to-1: Belinda. Always have to steal my kisses from her. I've tried seduction in the forms of charm, jokes, listening to problems, pleading, drinks, chloroform, rohypnol and stuff I cannot even remember. Her stance is solid. She starts every conversation with 'Get your hands off my legs' or 'My BOYFRIEND John and I are...'. It'll be a cold, cold day in Hell before I get anywhere with this saucy minx.
Still waiting for Hell to Freeze over,