"Honest" Vladimir, a former East European of dubious integrity, claims he found our sub somewhere on the bottom of the Baltic sea. 'Is good as new!' he claimed as he whacked the side of the vessel with his walking stick. An unhealthy clang echoed. 'What's holding that thing together?' I ask, pointing, 'Is that duct tape?'
'Duck tape? No understanding. We patch up hole made by torpedo. Is good now. Less leaking.'
I'm snapped back into the present as Lim finishes a speech to the Krakenguard, '....and in hindsight we probably should not have crossed Jesus DNA with that of a mutating sea monster. To expand on that further I have the absolute pleasure of introducing Dr.Heazlewood to the stand.'
'Thanks Lim,' I say as I grab the microphone, ' what a magnificent introduction by my friend and colleague Dr. Hieronymus Lim WHO WAS WITH ME EVERY STEP OF THE WAY DURING THE CLONING JESUS EXPERIMENT AND WILL GO DOWN WITH ME IF THINGS GO BADLY (wink). OK, for those who haven't the pleasure of working with me yet (stifled laughter from the audience) my name is S.Heazlewood, a.k.a.Fatman. We've been working on the cloning Jesus experiment for about...two or so weeks now and so far our biggest...um...'
' Mistake.' offers Lim.
' Multi-tentacled sea monster.' says Terry the one-eyed intern.
' F-ck up.' growls Van Cleef.
'...challenge is to capture or possibly eliminate JC 271-LEVIATHAN. Since it grows extra tentacles at the rate of one every three hours it's...pretty big. It's probably the size of an Architeuthis squid or a Sperm Whale. Combined.'
A raised hand from one of the Krakenguard.
'If it is combined with Jesus DNA would it not be a force of good rather than something that would go up and down coastal towns and devouring it's populations?'
'Glad you brought that up Token Hispanic Stereotype. Let me be clear: "Genetically identical" is not the same as being identical. This creature shares the same genetic makeup as Christ but it's personality is nothing like.'
'So it's like the evil twin of Jesus?' asks Token Hispanic Stereotype.
'If it'll make you sleep better at night. Look: say if I had the DNA of Hitler and raised a clone in a better enivro....' I trail off, 'Hey Lim! What do you think the result would be if we mixed Hitler DNA with Jesus DNA?'
A harpoon plunges into the wall inches away from my head. 'Let's not get carried away,' spits Van Cleef, 'we already have an enormous sea creature to hunt. Let's not exacerbate the scenario with a clone army of Hitler/ Jesus hybrids.'
'Point taken. Any other questions?'
'Can it talk to other marine animals?' asks a cigar-chomping Krakenguard member with a Brooklyn accent.
'Like Aquaman you mean? Maybe.'
'Is it possible to kill it? It says in the Bible that Jesus rose from the dead after three days.'
'Then we won't give it three days. Look men, we are all plunging into the unknown here. We don't know if normal weapons will work on it or if killing it would be pissing off God. All I know is if it's not stopped soon it may take over the world,' I motion towards the submarine, 'All aboard men. It's a good day to die.'